Things Angelenos Are Sick of Hearing From Out-of-Towners

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Let’s be honest: anytime you meet someone who doesn’t live in LA, they’re a little jealous that you do live in LA. And that jealousy rears its head as questions you don’t want to answer but you have to, because if you don’t, they’re gonna be like, “man, LA’s changed him, and now he’s just a jerk who won’t answer questions!” But you know who the real jerk is? The guy asking questions like:

Is it really sunny all the time?

Well, sorta yes. I mean, it rains, but, yeah, the weather’s pretty good. But you knew that already.

How do you deal with all the traffic?

Pokémon Go. Duh.

Do you live Downtown?

Do I look like I just moved here from New York or Chicago? No? Then why the hell would I live Downtown?

Do you live on the beach?

Do I look like a billionaire tech investor? No? Then how the hell could I afford living by the beach?

Do you eat a lot of kale?

Well, honestly, yes. But we also eat a ton of burgers. And tacos. And donuts. Because LA has amazing, amazing food... that’s not kale.

Do you know any celebrities?

It depends on your definition of celebrity. If “that guy who was Tom Hanks' kid in The 'Burbs” counts, then yes, I know a celebrity (and he's a great guy!). But I can not introduce you to Brad Pitt. Er, unless I work at UTA. In which case, maybe I know Brad Pitt. I dunno.

Is everyone really beautiful?

No, they’re not. Also, reader, you’re beautiful just the way you are, so don’t worry about it.

Are you a surfer?

Don’t you see me surfing the world wide web right now?

Why is the pizza so bad?

It's not. Also, eat a taco. Stop complaining.

Can you pick me at at LAX when I get in?

Uh, definitely, 100% no.

Do you ever wish you lived in NY?

No, I don’t. Because here, I actually have room for a sofa AND a bed in my apartment. And also, that sun thing again.

Do I really need a car there?

Well, actually, for the first time ever -- thanks to rideshare services and the awesome Metro extension -- the answer to this is sort of not-really. Unless you’re planning on going to Disneyland, or cross-town to Long Beach from Pasadena. In which case, yes, you really need a car.

Wait, you guys have a Metro?

We do? We do!!!

Aren’t you worried about everything being buried in a huge earthquake?

Uh, honestly, yes. For sure.

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Jeff Miller grew up in LA and has heard each of these things a billion and one times. Follow him on Instagram at @jeffmillerla and Twitter at @ThrillistLA.