If you absolutely insist on doing illegal things despite our numerous attempts to stop you, Miami is the place to do it. As much as the city works to rid itself of its ‘80s past, there are people out there who will never see beyond the clichéd drug and murder colored sun, surf, and sand. However, if you’re tired of always Netflix and chillin’ and happen to want to get into some trouble with your special someone, here are 10 illegal dates that we absolutely, in no way, would ever possibly condone.
Skinny dip in the DeSoto Fountain in Coral Gables
How to do this thing that is so against the law that we are practically begging you not to do it: The fountain is located at a roundabout so you have to park your car elsewhere. We suggest The Biltmore or the Venetian Pool, each is a short walk away. But, in the blazing Miami heat, you’ll totally be in need of a dip after said walk. Don’t, we repeat don’t, park at any of the nearby houses. Law you’d be breaking: Trespassing, possibly destruction of public property, indecent exposure
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How to pull it off even though we clearly advised you against it: As long as you don’t put it in a can, styrofoam cup, or glass, you probably won’t get caught. Reusable water bottles are the play here. Be sure to keep reminding yourself that drinks on Ocean Drive are pure thievery and 75% ice anyways. Laws you’d be breaking: Getting caught with an open container could result in a fine of 50 dollars.
Get married for a green card
How to pull it off despite us sitting you down and telling you you’ve turned to a life of crime: Ah, Miami! The gateway city for illegal marriages. This one will take a bit more planning, ‘cause you’re gonna be stuck with the person for at least two years, and you have to know every single thing about them -- down to their “times of the month” and bathroom schedules. Luckily, there’s tons of research online on what you’ll be grilled on. If you’re the one doing the favor, you may be entitled to make a pretty penny out of it. This includes anything from rent to monthly allowances. Here are the dirty basics: 1) Make a deal without a paper trail. 2) Get to know everything about each other. 3) Fake date. 4) Get “engaged”. 5) Get “married”. 6.) “Live together”. 7) Maybe, get a dog or cat or fish, whatever. 8) Two-ish years later, get “divorced.” Laws you’d be breaking: Immigration marriage fraud is applicable to imprisonment for no more than 5 years, a fine of no more than $250,000, or both. That’s a hefty price to pay, so you’d better make it believable. Not to mention all the time lost in mastering this grand ploy.
Sneak into a hotel pool
How to pull it off despite of our disappointment in the person you’ve turned into: You can usually hit up a pool for a weekend party or drop bills for a day pass, but if you don’t want to do either of those, there are other options. We’ve heard (‘cause we never break any rules) that the best way to do it is to walk into the hotel like you own it, stop by the bar for a drink, and then head to the pool. Come armed with information. Brush up on the rules of the hotel, its outlets, and room numbers beforehand. That way if you do get preliminarily caught, you can totally distract security with some legit info, buying you some extra time. As for sneaking in through the beach, that’s for amateurs. Laws you’d be breaking: Trespassing, but most likely you’d just be asked to leave
Go for a sexy midnight dip in the ocean
How to pull it off even after our repeated threats to report you to authorities: Did you know that the beach closes? Turns out, you shouldn’t be there between 12:00am and 5:00am, but really, there are no barriers to prevent you from doing so. Laws you’d be breaking: Indecent exposure, trespassing, and getting sand stuck in places you didn’t even know existed
Smoke green on the greens
How to pull it off despite us desperately wishing you’d stop all illegal behavior right this minute: A golf course at night is the perfect place to lay down a blanket, stargaze, and burn one down. But don’t make it so obvious with tons of smoke and coughing, so maybe opt for a nice, clandestine vaporizer. Also, there are very “special” cookies and lollipops that’ll have you seeing Orion’s Belt in a whole new light. Laws you’d be breaking: Trespassing, possession, marijuana DUI
Break all the rules at Sushi Deli at Japanese Market
How to pull it off despite our disapproval and repeated withering looks: From putting your phone on silent to no outside food, and limited ordering windows. Actually, just DON’T break the rules. Chef Michio Kushi is no joke. Laws you’d be breaking: Probably some sort of disorderly conduct that’d result in public humiliation and you and your party getting kicked out of one of the best sushi spots in Miami
Crash a quinceañera party
How to pull it off despite the fact that we’ve said we’ll call your parents if you actually do it: In Miami, quinces are the best type of party. From the croquetas to nonstop booze, chonga couture and reggaeton booty music, it’s a one-stop shop for all that is suuuper Miami. First rule of party crashing: don’t get caught. Walk in like you own the party. Talk to people like you’re friends of the family, and then find the mom. Charm her, and you’re golden. Laws you’d be breaking: Trespassing, but if you follow all the rules above, you’ll be a primo in no time
Get oysters at Mignonette and then get weird in the City of Miami Cemetery
How to pull it off despite our explicit disapproval: Rusty Pelican then Hobie Beach for a view of the Miami skyline is so high school. Take a walk on the wild side and sneak into the cemetery instead. It closes at 5:00pm, so make sure you are ready to jump a gate... which isn’t that hard and is actually pretty accessible. Whether you do the dirty on Julia Tuttle’s tombstone or under a palm tree is totally up to you. Laws you’d be breaking: Trespassing, indecent exposure, disrespecting Miami’s ancestors
Sing in public while wearing swimsuits
How to pull it off despite... wait... we don’t care if you do this one: This law dates back to the early 1900s and the country’s puritanical roots. The law was in place to ensure modesty, not only in dress, but in behaviors. No one ever got around to removing it from the books. Laws you’d be breaking: You’re not gonna get arrested for this one, even though it’s actually illegal. Really, the worst that could happen is that someone tells you to shut the f up.
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Mandy Baca is a regular Thrillist contributor who still lives with mami and papi, so she wasn’t really making fun of you. Stalk her on Twitter at @mandybaca.