As someone who was born and raised in the 305, I never imagined that, at 28, I’d still be here. Yet here I am, with no plans of escape anytime soon. As much as I complain about its wretched humidity, lamentable traffic, and weird dating scene, I’m deeply in love with this cesspool of insanity we call the Magic City. And I’m willing to bet that if you’re reading this, so are you. So no matter how hard we try, Miami, here’s a list of all the reasons so many of us just can't seem to quit you:
Your irrational weather (that we thankfully never need a coat for)
Sometimes you’re 80 degrees and sunny, and sometimes you have hurricanes that wipe out entire neighborhoods. Sometimes both those things happen on the same day. Your weather is definitely bipolar, but we can also run on the beach (in shorts!) in February, never have to buy winter coats, and spend a good five months of the year rubbing it in the faces of the rest of the country.
Your endless array of bizarre news stories that never cease to entertain
The bath salts guy who ate the naked guy’s face. Guys hiding cocaine in their butts. Alligators in backyards. Most of these. Living here makes us constantly rethink ever leaving our houses. But in terms of reality TV, the Emmy goes to… the full cast of the 305.
Your baffling mix of families, outlaws, and ethnicities
Anyone who visits Miami will tell you that, as entertaining as we might be, our people are the worst (and, in true Miami fashion, most of us also “leeeterally” couldn’t care less). But what we lack in common courtesy, we make up for in culture. Miami is a melting pot of South Americans, Cubans, other Hispanic people, white Jewish people, northerners looking to escape to the cold, all the girls in that “Shit Miami People Say” video, more Cubans, recently divorced dads who want to have fun, Pitbull, B-list celebrities who are friends with Pitbull, and Enrique Iglesias. It’s confusing for anyone not from Miami, but it makes for one hell of a Nochebuena.