Realistically, Miami is the kind of place you move to because you don't actually want to feel guilty about anything. Look no further than our fine elected officials for proof of that. But once in awhile, we catch ourselves doing something so basic, cliché, or painfully South-Floridian that it gets hard to tell us apart from the tourists. And then we might get this strange, unfamiliar, nagging feeling: the guilt. But hey, it’s Miami. So if it feels good, do it anyway right? We thought so. Here are 18 guilty pleasures that every Miamian enjoys.
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Did dinner start at 9? Of course it did. But nobody can expect you to show up without pregaming with at least a COUPLE drinks in your kitchen. Maybe three. Just text them you’re five minutes away, mention something about traffic, and show up at 10:15 with everyone else.
2. Acting like traffic laws don’t apply to you
Yes, I did just make a right turn from the left lane. Without signaling. At 45 miles an hour. Try and act like the 14 people behind me aren’t doing it too.
3. Posting weather maps of the country when we’re the only place above freezing
Rip Florida all you want. While you're sitting inside binging Netflix and putting on 25lbs of winter lard, we'll be at the beach doing activities like playing volleyball and building sandcastles with moats and stuff.
4. Excessive consumption of cafecitos
Having one to wake up is great. Another one at 3:05 can be fun. The other 11? That’s a borderline amphetamine addiction.
5. Actually using your promoter connections
You’d never actually PAY to go to LIV, but if you can get in free and drink from somebody else’s bottle, it’s worth doing, just so you can spend the rest of the year talking about how much you hate going to clubs.
6. Complaining about Art Basel
But then jumping off the couch the minute somebody texts you they have a +1 to the Ocean Dr party.
7. Going out on a friend of a friend of a friend’s boat
Oh, now you wanna hang out, Krystal? Now that I'm a yachtsman?!
8. Dropping F-list, reality show “celebrity” names
So Lisa Vanderpump was next to you on the elliptical at Equinox? Neato.
9. Having a “Causeway song”
You know you queue it up as soon as you make the turn off I-95. That jam where you put the windows down and blast it as loud as you can while you drive across the MacArthur or Julia Tuttle and remember why Miami is such a beautiful place to live. The song should have the word “Miami” somewhere in the title, or be by Phil Collins.
10. Saying "I'm from Miami" when you travel
If they respond with anything short of complete jealousy you get personally offended.
11. Going for drinks on Ocean Dr
To maintain your cred as a local, you’re required to say something along the lines of “Ugh, THERE?” when your pals from out of town text you at 2pm on a Thursday to come day drink with them at the Clevelander. But there’s a part of you that knows it’s going to be a mini-vacation and probably your best day of the week.
All your brochures for fat freezing and calf implants are hidden, deeply in a safe.
13. Eating artery-stopping Cuban food. For breakfast.
Science has shown that coating your stomach with a healthy layer of lard first thing in the morning can help prevent... OK, absolutely nothing. STOP JUDGING ME.
14. Bath salts
What? They make the water smell nice.
15. Pizza Rustica
No, it’s not the best pizza on the Beach. And yes, you may spot an unwelcome cockroach run by. But does anything taste better when you’re walking out of a club at 4am? No. No it does not.
16. Emphasizing “305” whenever you give your phone number to a customer-service rep
That’s right, just like Pitbull. Because you better believe nobody at that call center has ever heard of “Mr. 786.”
17. Jumping on a team's bandwagon
You probably still don’t know the difference between the blue line and the Blue Angels, and may have asked if Jaromír Jágr was related to that guy in the Rolling Stones. But that didn’t stop you from taking sixth-row selfies at that sold-out Panthers playoff game.
18. Telling out-of-towners you don’t have any club hookups
Especially if you do.
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Matt Meltzer is a staff writer for Thrillist who can time the drive over 395 perfectly timed with "In the Air Tonight." Follow him on Instagram @meltrez1