NO! Not this year! This is the year you realize you live in one of the most enviable places in the world, and by God you're going to get out there and truly enjoy it. And since you live in Miami -- and therefore obviously don't need to resolve to get in better shape -- we've compiled some things every Miamian can easily resolve to do this year.
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We're not telling you to stop switching over four lanes at once going 80 miles an hour. Just, you know, throw on that turn signal and don't do ANY of these things.
We'll totally explore new parts of South Florida
We will get over the ridiculous fear of causeways and see all the amazing stuff that’s opened up in neighborhoods we only read about on "best of" lists and say, "We really oughta go check that out."
We resolve to start recycling
Just as soon as our apartment complex puts the bins closer.
We will get out and live like tourists once in a while
Stating "I live where you vacation" shouldn't mean "I sit in traffic and spend half my Saturdays going to IKEA where you vacation." People save up all year to live like us for a week, the least we can do is carve out some time to actually do it.
We resolve to be nicer to people
Unless they start a sentence with "In New York…" Then all bets are off.
You do realize you've chosen to live in a city whose greatest cultural contribution might be the butt implant, right? OK then.
We will stop referring to anywhere that charges $14 for a vodka soda as "not that expensive"
Same for anywhere charging $20 for a cheese pizza. Go to any US city not called New York and realize how conditioned to overcharging you've become.
We promise to take at LEAST a passing interest in local politics
Donald Trump couldn't fix flooding on the beach even if he admitted it was happening and appointed a random secretary to the job. You know who could? The city government that just embezzled millions of dollars (who we're probably going to re-elect anyway). This is largely because most of us can't name any of them.
We resolve to stop being wimps about the cold
Amazing how we keep our apartments at 68 degrees and lounge around in T-shirts and shorts, but when it's 68 outside we dress up like the kids from South Park. Of course, when you spend $700 on a peacoat…
We will make every effort to take a weekend out of the country
Yes, when you live in Miami sometimes it might feel like a weekend in Delray is an international vacation. But we live in the gateway to Latin America and it's literally faster -- and cheaper -- to spend a weekend in Colombia than Columbia.
We resolve to go to the beach more… like, at least once a month
Unless it's raining. Or it's already 1 o'clock and there's no way we're finding parking. Or we're just too hungover, since, you know, it'll still be there next week. On second thought, let's just go to brunch and plan to do it another time.
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Matt Meltzer is a staff writer with Thrillist who resolves to come up with better author bios in 2017. Starting with his next story. Follow him on Instagram @meltrez1.