18 Things No Self-Respecting Miamian Should Do
These days, finding a born-and-raised Miamian is about as easy as finding a freeway that's not under construction, so it’s hard to say what it means to be a REAL resident of this city. You might want to start by doing all of these things. But while you’re checking all of that off your list, there’s a certain set of behaviors you should avoid that will immediately kill your Dade cred. Before you go around yelling “305 ‘til I die!” like you’re the second coming of DJ Khaled, make sure you’re not doing any of these 18 things.
Put salami on a Cuban sandwich
Much like alcohol-free strip clubs and dating your high school teacher, that’s totally a Tampa thing.
Use a turn signal
Only acceptable if you somehow mistake it for a windshield wiper.
Refer to anything as “better in New York”
And if you ever use the phrase “it’s because of the water” you should be banned for at least two years.
Speak NO Spanish
We’re not saying you need to be anywhere near fluent. But enough to direct your Uber driver when he has no idea where “Ft. Laurderdale” is.
Wear anything with LMFAO lyrics on it
Or, really, ever walk into Alvin’s Island or Wings for anything other than change.
Not pull ALL the way up in a left turn lane
In Miami, getting as far up in the left turn lane as humanly possible so at least four cars can follow you through the red is what passes for common courtesy.
Wait in line. Voluntarily.
Somehow the rest of the country seems to think breakfast food is somehow worth spending hours of your life in line. In Miami, we only stand in line to pay court fees after getting pulled over for not using our turn signal.
BUYING bottle service. Going for free when your friends from out of town decide $2500 is perfectly reasonable for a bottle of Grey Goose is totally fine.
Shaking hands instead of kissing on the cheek
Sure, men will usually shake hands with men, but when meeting a woman, the common greeting is always a kiss on the cheek. Prepare to make your friends at home VERY uncomfortable when you get back.
Stop for pedestrians
Traffic in this city is bad enough. Could you imagine how bad it would be if we actually waited for people to get through crosswalks?
Pay $20 for a drink
Any Miamian who does this should be ashamed. Not because the drink is hideously overpriced. But because you didn’t know the bartender well enough to get it for free.
Think you can live without a car
It’s cute that you moved here from the northeast or Europe and thought the Metrorail went somewhere other than Dadeland. Unless you’re one of those lovely people who brags about “never leaving the beach,” you’re being delusional. And no, you can’t borrow my car to go to Costco.
Eat on Ocean Drive
The only exception is News Café. And that’s ONLY acceptable if you have out of town guests who insist on “people watching."
Go to Mango’s
Never acceptable. If your guests want to look at scantily clad women and/or eat terrible food, the Hooters on Coral Way has much better parking.
Wear shorts when it’s below 72 degrees
Miami is hot all the time. Except when it dips below 72. When that happens, we might as well be in a freeze. Time to bring out our one winter jacket.
Get offended when people ask your nationality
We’ve got more people from other countries than any city in the WORLD. Asking where you're from is far more acceptable than asking, "What do you do?"
Carry auto insurance
Auto insurance is just betting against yourself. And when a ticket is only $116, paying the third-highest rates in the country is a sucker move.
Change your phone number when you move
Even if you only lived here for six months in 2008 and changed your number because you wanted to look cool, you will never, EVER change it back... Unless it starts with 786.
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Matt Meltzer is a staff writer for Thrillist who felt dirty that time he bought car insurance in 2012. Follow him on Instagram @meltrez1.