Dating in Miami can be pretty brutal; in fact, it’s not like anywhere else in the country. And as a guy, what at first seems like a paradise filled with some of the most beautiful women in the world can quickly turn into a cesspool of toxic people. So, in this sea of endless beauty, how do you weed out the ugliness? Here’re 18 phrases that as soon as they come out of a girl’s mouth, should be the last thing you hear.
"I’m friends with all the promoters at..."
Translation:I've been exclusively dating promoters for years now. Why it’s a deal-breaker: There is a 1,000% chance that once you finally invite me along, the club will be “at capacity” and your “friends” won’t let me in. But you’ll go anyway.
Model, Influencer & Entrepreneur Lindsey Pelas Reveals Celebrity Pick Up Stories
Translation:I want to be famous for doing absolutely nothing. Why it’s a deal-breaker: You're more obsessed with being Instagram "famous" than actually doing something meaningful.
“I don’t take money out with me.”
Translation:Everything is on you tonight. Why it’s a deal-breaker: It’s not 1955. Financial independence = self-respect = very sexy.
“I run on Miami time.”
Translation:I have no concept of -- or respect for -- your time. Why it’s a deal-breaker: Eventually my friends will get tired of waiting an hour to eat because we showed up late, and will start saying stuff like, “That guy was a lot more fun when he was single.”
“Most weekends I’m out on boats.”
Translation:I have a rotation of wealthy older gentlemen who invite me on their boats. Why it’s a deal-breaker: I don't have a boat and I sure as hell don't feel like competing for your attention with gaggles of rich old men in Speedos.
"I live on 187... and Kendall Drive."
Translation:I live with my parents. Why it’s a deal-breaker: At best, I have to drive an hour in traffic to pick you up. At worst, I have to do it again at 11 because your father is “very protective.”
"I’ve been to Dubai."
Translation:I’ve been on Tag the Sponsor. Four times. This week. Why it’s a deal-breaker: She might be a high-end escort. And you cannot afford her.
"My friend owns LIV."
Translation: I'm sleeping with a guy who lied about owning a club, because nobody would ever lie about that in Miami, right? Why it's a deal-breaker: Because you're gullible enough to buy a line like that. Or you're actually friends with Dave Grutman. Neither is good.
"So what kind of car do you drive?"
Translation:I judge people by the value of their automobile. Why it’s a deal-breaker: If my answer is anything that costs less than $75,000/American, your roommate’s about to call with an "emergency."
“Is that near the Kardashians’ store?”
Translation:I get all my news from TMZ. Why it’s a deal-breaker: You don’t need to be Paul George, but if your entire Miami frame of reference is reality television, you should probably think about enriching yourself a little more.
“What do I do? What do you do?”
Translation:I don't have a job... or I work in porn. Why it’s a deal-breaker: Even if it’s not porn, it’s something you don’t want to tell me about. Which is weird.
“I was at Drake’s table last night.”
Translation:I’m incredibly hot. So much so that the kid from Degrassi wants me around. Why it’s a deal-breaker: You just name-dropped Drake. I'm going home.
“I’m from New York, so...”
Translation:I actually wholeheartedly believe NY pizza is superior because “it’s in the water." Why it’s a deal-breaker: You suffer from New York-centric delusions, where you seem to think something is better just because it came from “the city.” Evidenced by using phrases like “the city.”
“Can a couple of my girlfriends come to dinner too?”
Translation: It’s my turn to find a sucker to pick up our tab. Why it’s a deal-breaker: No girl in history has been so excited for a first date, she wanted to share it with two of her closest friends. Unless that date is to a Bliss party. In which case... deal-MAKER.
“So if the beach is over there, which way is north?”
Translation:I’ve never looked at a map that wasn’t on my iPhone. Why it’s a deal-breaker: You’ve clearly replaced whatever you learned in sixth-grade geography with an extensive knowledge of Starbucks, and will require lengthy, stay-on-the-phone directions any time your GPS doesn’t work.
Translation:This club is paying me to hustle bottles. Why it’s a deal-breaker: Even if you’re not being paid by the club to get me to buy $750 bottles that are gone in half an hour... no, never mind, you totally are.
Translation: My parents still pay my rent. Why it’s a deal-breaker: You don't really understand the value of money, and won't be all that motivated to find a real job.
"You don’t need a car in Miami."
Translation:I am unaware of the world outside South Beach/Brickell. Why it’s a deal-breaker: Having no interest in the rest of your city means you probably don’t think much about the rest of your country, or the rest of the world. Or anyone else. At the very least, it means you won’t get any jokes I make about Hialeah.
Sign up here for our daily Miami email and be the first to get all the food/drink/fun in town.
Matt Meltzeris a Thrillist staff writer and once heard 14 of these lines on a single date. He's no Instagram "model," but follow him anyway: @meltrez1.