Imagine you live in, say, Morocco, and Pitbull comes to town on tour and keeps repeating these three numbers over and over again like it's the code to unlocking the secrets of the universe. Mystified, you go home to research what, exactly, this “3-0-5” number means. And then you find that it’s… a randomly selected number by the US phone companies designated for the region of Dade County, Florida.
Well, that was disappointing.
Our area code is but one of many things Miamians have an absurd amount of pride in. Not to say there aren’t some chest-swelling things about living in South Florida. But some others... well, some others just don’t make any damn sense.
So our greatest contribution to the American culinary collective is… a ham and cheese sandwich. Oh, but it has pickles, mustard AND mayo?! Well, nevermind then!
Driving like assholes
Because when you pick your friends up at the airport and they start holding on to their armrests for dear life as you cut off 16 cab drivers and move over five lanes without signaling, all you tell them is, “This is how we do in Miami, bro.”
Miami might be the only city in the world where it’s perfectly acceptable for dudes to post ab selfies somewhere other than Grindr. Thankfully we’re building so many glass towers that we’ll never run out of reflective surfaces.
If the bass isn't rattling the trunk, does it even count as music?
Running on "Miami time"
Being perpetually late isn’t a cute little personality quirk. It’s rude and disrespectful. And nobody’s believing you didn’t think there’d be traffic. YOU KNEW THERE'D BE TRAFFIC.
Other people's money
If someone is posting pictures of a $500,000 car or a $5 million dollar yacht, there is a 500% chance it’s not theirs. #tagthesponsor
The Dan Marino era
We get it. This was the last time the Dolphins even sniffed relevance. But the highlight of Marino’s run was a Super Bowl… LOSS. This would be like Panthers fans waxing nostalgic about the Jake Delhomme era.
Yes, there is a certain joy in sending a picture of your feet on a beach in February to all your friends in “the greatest city in the world.” Because clearly, all that turquoise water and sunshine was your doing.
The quickest way to get into a fight in Miami is insulting someone’s car. Even if it is only theirs for the next 36 months/until the next missed lease payment.
Being a DJ
You know Paris Hilton is doing that now too, right?
The ability to quote Scarface
Your ability to imitate Al Pacino’s terrible imitation of Cuban people shouldn’t even impress yourself.
Knowing the owner
Maybe if every person who knows a guy with a 2% share in a run-down club didn’t show up expecting to drink free all night, they wouldn’t all go out of business so fast. Just a theory.
Getting "VIP" for anything
So you got a coupon for a VIP oil change at Jiffy Lube, huh? Damn.
Grotesquely large butts
You know who gets excited to drink all night with 140mph winds trying to take your roof off? Usually people who've never been through an actual hurricane. Just make sure you pick the party thrown by the guy who's lived in Florida for 10+ years.
Because if we don’t have irrational pride about choosing to live in a city full of traffic, corruption, terrible drivers, and skyrocketing rents, all we’ve got is Pitbull.
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