Lifestyle

Florida Man Runs Over Himself and 16 Other Ridiculous Things That Happened on Florida's Roads

Published On 08/25/2016 Published On 08/25/2016
man in florida is crazy
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist

Florida is a tremendously beautiful state loaded with world-renowned beaches, an abundance of flora & fauna, and no less than eight major theme parks… but hardly anyone remembers the Sunshine State for its benevolent accolades. And why would they when so many of the country's most asinine news stories come out of it?

These 17 true tales of ridiculousness on the road are taken from Oh, Florida!: How America’s Weirdest State Influences the Rest of the Country, and, if anything, will finally help you understand how and why NASCAR got started here.

The road rage incident where one driver accidentally ran over himself

Gainesville police say the driver of a pickup rammed into the rear of another vehicle. The pickup driver then jumped out and banged on the other driver’s windshield. The woman driving got scared and drove off... and because the pickup driver forgot to put the truck into park, it rolled right over him.

The driver who crashed while shaving her pubes

"She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit," a state trooper told reporters. The woman asked her ex-husband -- yes, he was in the passenger seat -- to take the wheel while she wielded her razor, and then her Thunderbird rear-ended a pickup.

The driver who rear-ended someone while having his own rear-end problem

An inebriated driver slammed into the rear of another car in Hobe Sound. While he was in a patrol car headed to jail, his butt plug fell out.

The time so many Florida drivers crashed into post offices that the U.S. Postal Service had to beg them to stop

In 2012, Florida post offices were repeatedly hit by drivers who kept -- supposedly -- mistaking their brake pedals for their gas pedals. The Postal Service ran a public service ad asking Florida drivers to please be more careful.

Jason Hoffman/Thrillist

The Uber driver who pulled a gun on his passenger

The Uber driver in a Lexus picked up several Manatee County passengers. When one said he felt like throwing up, the driver pulled a gun and said he better get out and not mess up a $75,000 car.

The tractor-trailer truck crash that killed a shark

Four sharks were taking a road trip to New York in the back of a semi when the tractor-trailer blew a tire and skidded off into a ditch. One of the sharks was thrown from the truck and died instantly. The other three survived and probably went on to ride the Cyclone after arriving in Coney Island.

The half-wit driver who accidentally locked himself in his own trunk

A man in Marathon somehow managed to lock himself in the trunk of his own Lincoln Continental -- but naturally left all the other doors open. A deputy rescued him, then ticketed him for possession of pot.

The time a truck crashed into a dangling gator

In 2015, a truck driver cruising down the interstate in rural Jackson County slammed into an odd obstruction. Police discovered that someone had killed an alligator, wrapped a chain around it, and hung its carcass over an overpass in an effort to make Florida even more nonsensical and ill-perceived than anyone ever thought possible.

The time that cops found a stolen car with a naked woman inside

Someone stole a man’s car from a Palm Springs dealership, where it was being serviced. When the cops found it, they also found a woman inside, unconscious… and totally naked. The owner said she might have gotten the keys to the car while visiting his house. Some mysteries are better left unsolved.

The driver who had a decidedly squirrelly passenger

Clay County deputies pulled over a driver they had spotted weaving all over, running off the road, nearly hitting a parked car. He explained that he had a squirrel in his shirt, and it was eating him. “I had the defendant secure the squirrel and then exit the vehicle,” the officer reported. The driver was charged with a DUI. The squirrel was freed, a decision everyone found odd given its attempted homicide.

Jason Hoffman/Thrillist

The strange case of the kamikaze buzzards of the Everglades

In the mid-'70s, just after Alligator Alley was opened, buzzards repeatedly attacked the cars and trucks, diving straight into -- and through -- their windshields. To this day, no one has ever figured out why.

The most boring car chase in history

A man stole a front-end loader from a construction site and led police on an incredibly slow speed chase at 25mph. For 90 minutes. They finally caught him when he ran out of gas.

The time a woman ran over someone for being in her way

A DeLand woman in a Kia, trying to veer around another car, ran over a pedestrian, then kept going. When police caught up with her, she explained she didn’t mean to hurt the guy but “he was in my way.”

The naked speed demon with the happy mugshot

This guy was pulled over while doing 110mph across the Everglades on Alligator Alley. He had three female passengers, a 12-pack of Corona, and he was naked. No wonder he was smiling in his mugshot.

The incident with the rake, a chainsaw, and a pregnant woman

One pickup truck passed another one near Panama City, so naturally everyone pulled over and piled out in the road for a fight -- even a pregnant woman. After hitting each other with a rake and a bat, one man tried to start a chainsaw to take this fight to Anchorman-esque levels. Luckily, it wouldn't turn on, and eventually the fight was broken up by a state trooper, a police officer, and two utility workers.

The episode with sex, guns, and palm trees

A Port Charlotte woman was giving a man oral sex while he was driving. She then suddenly pulled out a .357 Magnum and pointed it as his head, demanding money. Being caught with his pants down and a gun to his head, he punched her in the face, but lost control of the car and hit a palm tree. Both survived the crash. Their dignity remains at large.

The zombie-eyed pig incident

Cops in Orlando pulled over a driver for DUI and discovered she was, as a headline put it, a “zombie-eyed woman dressed as a pig in a bathing suit.” Also, it wasnt Halloween. Just kidding, it was totally Halloween… but realistically, this could have easily been just another day on a Florida highway.

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Craig Pittman is a native Floridian and an award-winning reporter for Florida's largest newspaper, the Tampa Bay Times. Oh, Florida!: How America's Weirdest State Influences the Rest of the Country is his fourth book, after Paving Paradise, Manatee Insanity, and The Scent of Scandal, which may be the only book ever published to be classified as "True Crime/Gardening."

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