35 Signs You’re a Montreal Douchebag

Published On 10/14/2015 Published On 10/14/2015

Montreal has a unique, artsy, and diverse culture that attracts pretty much the entire spectrum of humanity. And sadly, that spectrum includes douchebags. Here’s how to know if, by accident or design, you’re one of them...


1. You put ketchup on your poutine

You’re not just a douche, you’re a monster too. 

2. You get bagels that aren't just sesame or poppy seed

3. You keep your gigantic coat on in the metro during rush hour

4. You actually wait in a line for any club on St. Laurent Apt. 200 is just never worth it, ever. 

5. You only get “artisanal” anything

Flickr/Gary McCabe

6. You only watch the Habs once the playoffs start

7. You riot after a hockey game

8. You complain how hot it is in the summer

Given the frigid -30-degree winds of winter, this just makes you a whiny douche.

9. You complain how cold it is in the winter

Everyone knows it’s cold; it happens every year. Get over it. 

10. You refuse to speak or learn any French


11. You only go to third-wave coffee shops and call Tim Hortons "too mainstream"

12. You think going out in the Old Port automatically makes you cool Joverse is cool, but that doesn’t make you cool, too. 

13. You've ever gotten into a fight on The Main at 3am

14. You call 5 à 7 "happy hour" Sure, it’s basically the same thing, but being stubborn enough not to make the switch is a complete douche move. 

15. You think riding a bike magically exempts you from following traffic laws

Flickr/Jean-Pierre Lavoie

16. You purposefully give tourists wrong directions during festival season

17. You take a stupidly long time recharging your OPUS card on the first of the month Get it together, you do this a dozen times a year. 

18. You think La Belle Province has the best poutine in the city

Belle-Pro is delicious, but only a douche would call it the best. 

19. You never got out of the McGill bubble

20. You never vote, but constantly complain about the city


21. You have any form of a Montreal tattoo

That Ville de Montréal rosette on your arm might as well read “douchebag.”

22. You refuse to speak to any customers in English, even though you're bilingual

23.You bring up Quebec independence at a party

No politics at a party, especially Québécois nationalist politics. 

24. You take your shirt off to show off your abs at Tam-Tams

Everyone sees through your plan here, trust.

25.You're from Ontario and talk about how great Toronto is

Let it go/dude, you ain’t in TO no mo'.

Flickr/Gerry Lauzon

26. You make fun of protesters even though you have no idea what they're fighting for

27. You think Montreal street pizza is actually GOOD

Calling it “pizza” is charitable enough. 

28. You have a favorite vape shop

And you want everyone in the restaurant to know it. 

29. You get on the bus by sneaking through the middle door

30. You complain about the price of tuition 

Sorry, but it is the lowest in the nation. 

Flickr/Simon Law

31. You get belligerent at a park in the middle of the afternoon

Ruining the "picnic law" for all of us.

32. You wear an Expos hat but never went to a game when they were around

Even worse if you don’t know who the Expos are. 

33. You smoke a joint on a busy street where kids are running about

34. You think Crescent St is "the sh*t"

35.You feel the need to go overboard at a BYOW

The acronym isn't a free pass to be belligerent in a restaurant, actually.

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Michael D’Alimonte is a Montreal author who is guilty of at least 10 of these. Find out which at @MDAlimonte.



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