1.The friend who is your ultimate hypeman
This friend is the living embodiment of R.Kelly’s “I believe I can fly” except that he believes YOU can fly. While he may know all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, he desperately wants you to overcome them -- the Alana to your Abbi. He will always be behind you, coaxing you to press “going” on the invitation to the party where you don’t know anyone. He will be there, championing you to ask out the stranger at the end of the bar, to apply for that job that asks for three years of experience though you only have two. How does anyone get along without this person, the Oprah to their Gayle?
2. The friend with the car
While it’s instinct to want to slap someone upside the head when they suggest the squad go to party on a beach that’s so far away you might consider enlisting a Sherpa to guide the expedition, you remember -- she has a car. A chariot to whisk you away to the shore without ever having to set foot in a dingy bus terminal or a train station with a broken vending machine. Not only are you NOT hoofin’ it anywhere, you’ll be arriving to the party without the rumpled and sweaty look of someone who has been trapped in the sardine cans your city has the gall to call public transportation -- all the better for the purposes of making new beach friends. (And you KNOW those people probably have cars too.)
3. The friend who’s not really just a friend
Everyone you've ever dated has secretly hated this friend of yours, but you laughed it off -- that is, until you had your very own Monica x Chandler moment. You need them around not only because you want them around for the entire spectrum of fun stuff that includes playing N64 until 3am and that other game a handful of numbers above that -- you need them around because you want them around. Whether this a long-realised crush or a friends with benefits situation -- that’s the kind of confidence boost that seeps into every other part of your life and makes you feel totally unstoppable.
4. The friend who will get you to Vegas and back with the change from between your couch cushions
This friend is the human embodiment of Groupon. They know the dates of every restaurant week in every city across the country, they know when all the free museum days are, they know the best bars and clubs with no cover charge, and the best times to buy plane tickets for the crazy music festival he’s getting you in for free because a friend of a friend of a friend works for whoever is throwing it. You and your wallet will have a good time.
5. The friend who might also moonlight as a high-profile event planner on TLC
With this friend, you will never experience the ambiguousness of “meet me at the corner at 3pm”. There are Google calendar invites. Schedules. A special group chat for birthdays. This person always has a plan of attack at which to approach brunch. You will not only be on time, but you will never wait in line. Should it rain over your planned biergarten excursion, there is always a backup solution. You’re pretty sure that had this person held office in the time of Roman emperors, the city would not have fallen.
6. The friend who wants to teach you that sweating and socializing are not mutually exclusive
This is the friend who preaches from the Book of Crossfit. Short of pressing the emergency stop button on your treadmill with the broken screen, this person wants to get you out of the basement cardio room at your gym at any cost and introduce you to people who want to sweat -- together. Get out and join the office kickball team, or experience the joys of the post-spin class quinoa powerbowl lunch group.
7. The friend who gives the White House Photographer a run for his money
In the realm of documenting the every day for the sake of posterity, Peter Souza comes in second to your friend with the #VSCOcam on their iPhone. In between taking perfectly angled selfies, they’re also creating albums and accounts full of your adventures (and misadventures) for the day you’re both in rocking chairs looking back at the time you wallowed in the mud at Coachella without pants. Even better, they always tag you in the photos from those nights out with the random people from the bathroom line with whom you swore to be best friends; and thanks to that friend, you can make it happen.
8. The friend with all the industry perks
Lines? Ha. Your friend doesn’t wait on lines because he waits on tables. After the fine people who work at restaurants and bars head out after their shift ends, they can saunter into the cocktail bar with a line out the door because the hostess knows they work at the Turkish place down the block. Also, they always know exactly how much you’re supposed to tip so you don’t leave feeling slightly terrible and mostly unsure if doubling the tax was enough. And this doesn’t only apply to the restaurant industry. If you have a friend in PR, we suggest keeping a formal tux or cocktail dress on retainer for the inevitable Really Fancy Thing you’ll be invited to.
9. The friend with all the business cards
Ah, a brick of 8,000 business cards in a box that’d hit you like a falling piano if it ever fell on your foot? The better to network with. Before your friend started dragging you to cocktail hours full of business professionals in shiny tie clips and firm handshakes practiced on family pets, you might have thought of them as insincere time-wasters. But watching your friend in action, literally shaking hands and taking names, will inspire you to get out there and meet some Young Working Professionals in the event that you need someone whose startup specializes in 3D printing caricatures of deposed world leaders.
10. The friend who coaxes your nerdy obsessions out of the shadows
Are you lurking on message boards and keeping your collection of ‘90s limited-edition Disney-themed cereal boxes in the basement where no one can find them? There are people out there like you and it’s time you found them. You need that one friend who will ship you off to the closest anime convention in full Tuxedo Mask cosplay (should you still be a little weird about actually showing your face at these things) to meet like-minded people who will not judge you on your current fixation with Marvel-themed fan fiction. Be free.
11. The friend who will calmly explain sports to you so you can feel like you’re a part of something
With their painted faces and their penchant for shooting up out of their seats once the man in the helmet does the thing with his foot, you have always admired sports fans, but never felt like you could hang. You want to know what it’s like to care about something so much that you’ll ignore a beautifully loaded nacho halfway on its journey to your mouth just to see that one guy do the thing and then the dance. This friend will not only invite you to watch the big game with everyone else, they’ll try and explain it to you using condiments as players while you guys make wings before everyone gets there.
12. The friend who throws extremely specific viewing parties
There is never a wrong time to watch Cool Runnings in Portuguese. You may not know what exactly what they’re saying, but your friend knows that the formula for cooking up new friendships is throwing a group of acquaintances on the couch with a bowl of nachos and a movie no one can understand and everyone will be chums by the time the boys walk their bobsled to the finish line.
13. The friend who makes you do outdoorsy stuff with other people
Sometimes you just need to get away and eat jerky in the great outdoors -- but if all your buddies are pavement-locked city slickers, then what are your options? You need to infiltrate a group of outdoorsy people who hike every other weekend and can set up a tent in the time it takes to call an Uber.
14. The friend who deals with those high-pressure holidays that no one can deal with
The Friend who takes over making the annoying decisions of what to do on New Year’s Eve or Halloween. Those high-pressure holidays that stress everyone else out into indecision. If it weren’t for this person, you’d be sitting on your couch eating Chinese noodles (like Miranda in that sad Sex and the City movie, we know you saw it, don’t lie) every New Year’s Eve. It’s a thankless task, but someone’s gotta motivate.