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Baby boys and frat bros have a lot in common. For one thing, they both tend to shit themselves in public. For another thing... oh, fuck it, I think you get where I'm going with this. Below are 2014's 25 most common names for American boys, according to BabyCenter.com. They were sorted by popularity, and I've included those rankings below for posterity. Now, I'm going to assign each of these male names a ranking for frattiness, because as everyone knows, the true measure of popularity is being in a frat.
Now, before you take my word as Greek gospel, you'll probably want to hear my credentials. Fair! I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but you can trust me, because A) I was a baby boy once, and B) I was also in a fraternity at the University of Virginia. I believe these two life experiences qualify me to make nonsensical prima facie predictions on the prospective pledge-ability of our nation's male future. Cool? Cool. Cool! To the rankings!
Frattiness rank: 25
Actual rank: 22
This is a boring-ass name, which is not fratty. Then again, being a boring-ass dude is very fratty, so I guess this is a push.
Frattiness rank: 24
Actual rank: 18
"Jimbo" would play better at the Southern houses.
Frattiness rank: 23
Actual rank: 17
I would give this kid a bid simply for the opportunity to scream "WELCOME TO THE XANDER ZONE" whenever he entered the room. That's from XXX, a movie I pretend to like ironically while secretly liking it unironically. (Insecurity in one's own opinions is so fratty.)
Frattiness rank: 22
Actual rank: 15
Every frat needs Mikes: Big Mike, Little Mike, Party Mike, and Psycho Mike. If your frat didn't have at least three out of these four Mikes, your frat was garbage.
Frattiness rank: 21
Actual rank: 12
If your house has a God Squad, young Elijah here could end up as a rush prize, because he's named after... uh, someone in that book they all love. Also brothers could call him "E," like in Entourage. Getting kicked out of the theater for vaping during the Entourage movie is just about the frattiest thing you can do. Ipso facto.
Frattiness rank: 20
Actual rank: 9
Let's get real Old Testament with it and brand his flesh with a hot iron in the shape of our letters. What's that, Jake? You'd rather not have your ass skin seared in the fires of our brotherhood? FUCK YOU, JAKE. OUR BOND IS SACRED.
Frattiness rank: 19
Actual rank: 25
"Please sir, can I have some more" is close enough to "Thank you sir, may I have another," which is close enough to a realistic portrayal of the pledging process at some schools, so I guess we gotta let him in.
Frattiness rank: 18
Actual rank: 7
There was an Ethan in my frat. He was pretty cool. Didn't hang out much, but he owned like four pairs of Chacos, and that's gotta count for something, right?
Frattiness rank: 17
Actual rank: 21
Being Irish is like being in a frat anyway, so let's just assume any child named Connor is already in one.
Frattiness rank: 16
Actual rank: 16
Benji? MORE LIKE BJ, AMIRITE?! Like... blowjo— guys, you get it, right? Guys?
Frattiness rank: 15
Actual rank: 24
Sounds like he plays lacrosse. Could be good for intramurals.
Frattiness rank: T-13
Actual rank: 4
This is a really solid frat bro name...
Frattiness rank: T-13
Actual rank: 14
...and so is this. Actually, these are the same name, aren't they? Isn't "Luke" just short for "Lucas"? Is anyone even reading this?
Frattiness rank: 12
Actual rank: 3
All frat bros love Liam Neeson. Show me a frat bro that doesn't love Liam Neeson and I will show you a "social brother" from one of those stupid coed honors fraternities, which are only slightly less make-believe than regular frats, but also infinitely lamer.
Frattiness rank: 11
Actual rank: 19
This is some fratty fire right here. I don't know if this is like, a nickname for Jason, or if parents are actually naming their sons as though they're late-'90s designer jeans brands. Either way, I fuck heavy with it.
Frattiness rank: 10
Actual rank: 5
Got some religious vibes in here for the Bible-beaters in the house, plus you can sorta-rhyme his name with "bro," which is critical to rushing successfully.
Frattiness rank: 9
Actual rank: 11
Jaden Smith is something of a viral meme prophet these days, which is good. Better: this is just a flat-out odd name, and will look hysterical on the composite.
Frattiness rank: 8
Actual rank: 8
I have never met a dude named Caden, but apparently 20 years from now college campuses are gonna have a bunch of 'em running around demanding whiskey-sodas and peeing in hedges. I'm with it.
Frattiness rank: 7
Actual rank: 2
Did you notice this name rhymes with the two prior? Jayden, Caden, and Aiden? These dudes are definitely all going to room together and hook up with the same girls and it's going to be sweaty and uncomfortable and THAT IS FRATTY.
Frattiness rank: 6
Actual rank: 13
Just a really strong all-American white-dude name, right here. Kid's gonna wear khaki shorts that hit six inches above the knee and use "summer" as a verb. Yeah, that'll do.
Frattiness rank: 5
Actual rank: 20
Sounds Southern, and vaguely close-minded. Sounds fratty.
Frattiness rank: 4
Actual rank: 10
What are the odds that someone named Logan drives a Range Rover Sport that his parents bought for him after he crashed his Acura TLS? Good. The odds are good.
Frattiness rank: 3
Actual rank: 23
10 out of 10 Carters agree that they are the fucking man. F-R-A-T.
Frattiness rank: 2
Actual rank: 1
You know what this name says to me? It says "Eagle Scout." Eagle Scouts are great for the house, you guys.
Frattiness rank: 1
Actual rank: 6
Can you have it all? Mason can have it all. Whether he's named after the jar, or the Mason-Dixon Line, or that secret society in the nonfiction documentary National Treasure, it's all gravy. Mason is the frattiest name in the bunch. Take a bow, kid.