Look, we get it. You just had a baby. You're a proud parent, and you want to tell the world. But here's the hard truth: in Zuckerbergia, getting too crazy on baby-related posts will get you unfriended faster than political statements, anti-vaxxing sentiments, and reposting fake news combined.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't share that little bundle of joy with your friends, family, and the random people you met once who populate your friends list. You just have to use your brain, and a little restraint. Here's how to not make people hate your beautiful baby on Facebook.
Don’t give progress reports about every single thing your stupid kid does
First step? Absolutely. First laugh? Absolutely? First time their poop was solid rather than the consistency of day-old Massaman curry? Maaaaaaaaybe not.
Don’t post pictures every 15 minutes
Yeah, the kid’s cute. But the only time we want to see that many alternate angles of the same shit is when Van Damme executes a roundhouse kick in Bloodsport. (Side note: If your kid can deliver roundhouse kicks like Van Damme in Bloodsport, this rule is null and void).
Try posting your photos in monthly batches
Everybody takes tons of photos of their baby, especially now that we’ve got cameras in our phones, computers, glasses, watches, and spoons. There are people who want to see them, too. But the best way to share them is in batches. So hold off on sharing in real time and give it until the end of the month. Batch them into an album and share that. That way, people can see how the little demon has grown without constant updates.
Don’t make your kid’s picture your profile picture
There’s nothing weirder than searching for your friend and discovering they’ve Benjamin Buttoned back into infant form. Especially when you’ve got a sweary status update and it looks like a baby said it. Shit’s creepy, guys. So maybe let’s stop. Picture of you with baby? Totally cool. But not solo baby with your name on it.
Start friends-and-family update pages
If you must constantly share updates about baby, establish a baby group where you can get it out there without taking up valuable food-pic and political diatribe space in others’ newsfeeds. This ensures that the only people who see this stuff are the folks who want to see it. Which might just be you and your mom, but hey, at least the folks who really care are getting this info, and not some random co-worker.
Don’t start posting a bunch of "hilarious" quotes from the kid
Oh kids! They say the darndest things! Oh wait, dammit. That’s kinda gross now, isn’t it. Aaaaaaanyway, your might think your kid is hilarious. And that’s totally fine. But that doesn’t mean it’s funny to everybody. So if your kid one day says “My favorite person is Cookie Monster because firetruck turkey moopmoop,” maybe save that for the baby book and not the annuls of the internet.
Maybe post about something else once in a while?
We’re all very happy about the fact that the baby’s poop is now solid, or that she finally started eating rice cereal. Or that she killed her first deer with her brand new teeth. But hey, how are you? Are you still an individual, or just a walking Diaper Genie? Tell us how you are. We’ve been worried ever since you turned back into a baby, according to your profile picture.
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Andy Kryza is a senior editor at Thrillist who avoids posting pictures of his infant daughter because he wants other parents to still think their babies are cute. Follow him to once-monthly photo dumps @apkryza.