6. Sleeping bag: I support the eco-sexual way of life: find intimacy in the universe, reconnect with the earth, try to wipe the dirt out of every crevice later. Everything’s a trade-off, but the view of the night sky above you is worth the hassle. If you’re going to do this, stay in your tent or lay down a wiiiiide blanket perimeter underneath in order to avoid sticks, twigs, and soil getting mixed into your business.
5. Backseat: Protips: don’t be taller than 5’8”. Don’t own a hybrid. Do lock your doors. And do turn off the door handle lights so that you don’t find yourselves suddenly illuminated for the outside world if someone pulls on the door. Automobiles, AKA mobile mini-beds, are a quickie’s best friend, but if you are aiming for multiple orgasms, stationary beds will always beat this option. Still, this is the perfect “When the mood strikes” option.
4. All-memory foam mattress: If we are talking preference, here’s my favorite: no squeaking sound, and it’s a soft surface. But memory foam might be a little too cushy for marathon humpers: one man described sex on this surface to be difficult, like “running on sand.” But if you’re into the challenge, you should be just fine. Just like my favorite lovers, this mattress offers a tender, loving foundation. And just like my favorite condoms, memory foam mattresses are made of polyurethane! However, this type of mattress can trap body heat and make all of your horizontal encounters even steamier, so perhaps pick this if you live in a cooler climate region or have a good A/C unit.
3. Coil/Spring mattress: This is another trusty stand-by. Some of us equate the sounds of a squeaking mattress to the feelings of primal pleasure, and while this type of mattress is hardly the most comfortable, it will rarely do you wrong. Sure, a wayward coil could break through the fabric and stab you or your partner while in the throes of passion, but one might consider that a rite of passage… and a sign you go hard enough in the paint to be worth drafting.
2. Adjustable: If you’re someone who likes to do everything in your bed, this might be worth the investment. Do you like to read sitting up? Have sex on an incline? Eat burritos in the sheets? Find yourself retiring to Florida? This slow-moving, adjustable sex furniture can alter shape in the time it takes to grab the condoms, and if you have mobility issues or recently suffered an untimely coil spring wound, you’ll enjoy being able to sit up or roll over more easily.
1. Hybrid: You have my attention. As an adult, you can still enjoy the closest thing to a bounce house! And IMO, the firmer (the mattress), the better! I recognize that thrusting and grinding is a lot of work, and if you’d like to work smarter and not, um, harder, get a hybrid mattress: the bounce-back means you aren’t losing so much of your momentum because a soft squishy bed is absorbing your movements. Tonight we’re all winners here.