The obligation romantic
Status: "So happy to be celebrating five years together with the woman that I love more than anything. Sarah, you're the love of my life and I can't imagine a day without you."
Translation: Hi Sarah's friends, here's one more piece of proof that I'm not as much of a jerk as you originally thought.
The eternal victim
Status: "I just want to put this out there that it's never okay to..."
Translation: Someone did something shitty to me, but it's not about me, it's about how people need to stop doing this to me.
The running man
Status: "Just did a five-mile run and I feel great!"
Translation: I Just did a four-mile run and my legs feel like overcooked linguine, but I'm going to post about it anyway because I want you to tell me I look great next time I see you.
The blissfully humble
Translation: #proud #obnoxious