The eternal victim
Status: "I just want to put this out there that it's never okay to..."
Translation: Someone did something shitty to me, but it's not about me, it's about how people need to stop doing this to me.
The running man
Status: "Just did a five-mile run and I feel great!"
Translation: I Just did a four-mile run and my legs feel like overcooked linguine, but I'm going to post about it anyway because I want you to tell me I look great next time I see you.
The blissfully humble
Translation: #proud #obnoxious
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Dan Gentile is a staff writer at Thrillist. He's also that DJ friend of yours that you met once years ago and is still inviting you to brunch gigs. Follow him to shameless self-promotion at @Dannosphere.