The call to action
Status: "It only takes one minute to reach out to your congressman and stand up for underprivileged kids' right to safe playground equipment that isn't made of toxic GMO Monsanto products."
Translation: It only takes one minute for me to find a new cause to berate others about and feel like I'm making a difference, largely because I haven't realized that everyone has unfollowed me.
The lonely traveler
Status: "New York City, I am in you! Welcoming any recommendations for places to eat/drink/be merry!"
Translation: Dear acquaintances that moved to New York City 10 years ago, I have done no research for the trip that I just began. So far I've only eaten cheap pizza because I am afraid to commit to eating at a restaurant for fear that it is not trendy enough. Also, please hang out with me while I'm here, as I have no one with whom to be merry.
The friend in need of a friend
Status: "Who's out on the Eastside tonight?!"
Translation: I don't actually have most of my friends' phone numbers, or very many friends, but will somebody please hang out with me?
The kitchen nightmare
Status: "Tonight's dinner experiment: hanger steak with red wine reduction, truffled asparagus, twice-baked potatoes, and homemade peach cobbler. Nom nom, total success!"
Translation: I cook to survive, but my real hunger is for likes. I haven't eaten hot food in three years.