Customer experience survey
Instantly: The customer experience survey appreciates your response and values you as a customer.
Within an hour: The customer experience survey appreciates your response and values you as a customer, but not as much as it says.
More than a few hours: The customer experience survey appreciates your response and values you as a customer, but believes you could’ve been a little quicker on the draw to completing that survey, don’t you think? Did you need to play another game of Candy Crush?
The next day: The customer experience survey appreciates your response and values you as a customer, but is pretty sure you’ve been price shopping on your phone plan, and is trying to play a little hard to get when it comes to telling you how much it appreciates you as a customer.
Two weeks: The customer experience survey appreciates your response and values you as a customer, but knows you switched to T-Mobile.
One year: The company that created the customer experience survey has gone out of business, but the algorithm responsible for dispensing the survey achieved artificial intelligence, and has been texting out “thank you”s to everyone in the database who completed the survey.
Instantly: Probably fine, but what if a kidnapper typed the reply for them?
Within an hour: According to the local news, it only takes a few seconds to get trapped in a well.
More than a few hours: Definitely been kidnapped.
The next day: Definitely kidnapped and now working in a diamond mine.
Two weeks: How is there no cell service in the diamond mine?
One year: You’re taking that ungrateful little shit out of your will.
Instantly: Some friends think you’re a little too close.
Within an hour: You can’t believe it took them an hour to reply to that photo you took of that thing on your back that you’re pretty sure is growing.
More than a few hours: This is a passive-aggressive way for them to tell you that you take a while to get back to them once you start dating someone.
The next day: You might want to re-examine your friendship.
Two weeks: They were a close friend until you attended their wedding...
One year: ... where you posted semi-lewd photos of yourself on Instagram using the official wedding hashtag following a long night of drinking. They still feel obligated to text you back, but sometimes it takes a little while.
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Lee Breslouer is a senior writer for Thrillist, and generally prefers a phone conversation. Follow him to tweets about the good old days: @LeeBreslouer.