Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas… it’s that time of year where families come together to eat too much and remind themselves why they chose to live in separate houses. The holidays are filled with more pitfalls than, well, the game Pitfall, but luckily we’ve assembled this list of survival secrets that’ll keep your mental health in much better shape than your waistline.
Problem: Your blowhard conservative uncle keeps screaming about the president being a pinko liberal out to steal everybody’s money.
Solution: Agree wholeheartedly that redistribution of wealth is un-American. Then dig into your Thanksgiving dinner, which celebrates the day that Native Americans redistributed their wealth with the starving pilgrims.
Problem: Your blowhard liberal uncle keeps screaming about the president being a warmonger.
Solution: Agree wholeheartedly that war is never the answer, and cite how Abraham Lincoln used modified Facebook profile pictures to free the slaves.
Problem: Your niece is suddenly allergic to gluten and is complaining that she can’t eat anything on the table.
Solution: Drown out her whining by chewing as loudly as possible. In her face.
Problem: Present time! Wait, this sweatshirt looks awfully familiar… oh no, you’ve been re-gifted!
Solution: Be glad, not mad! Think of it as finding a $20 bill in your pants pocket you thought you lost. Return said gift and get your money back, or, what the hell, wear it with pride. Who says you’re not “The World’s Greatest Grandma”?
Problem: Your annoying cousin keeps trying to show you “hilarious” memes on his phone.
Solution: Very gravely explain that you personally know "Success Kid" and that his life is a walking nightmare.
Problem: Your significant other’s mom is the worst cook on earth.
Solution: So you’re at a holiday party where, to quote the Sugarhill Gang, “The food just ain't no good -- I mean the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed, and the chicken tastes like wood.” So what should you do? Wonder Mike’s advice in Rapper’s Delight is to simply bust down the door and run to the store for a bottle of Kaopectate. This song has been popular since 1979 -- almost 40 years! Who are we to think we could dole out better advice?
Problem: Your sibling is giving you crap about not calling mom more often.
Solution: Blame Apple. “I would but this damn iOS 9 is draining all my data! Hold on, I have to live stream me eating this pumpkin pie.”
Problem: Your cousin’s third wife gives you a hello kiss that lingers waaaay too long.
Solution: If you want to avoid an even grosser goodbye kiss, loudly ask at the dinner table if anyone has any Abreva, as you feel a volcano-sized lip sore is about to erupt. If this doesn’t deter your paramour, stop fighting it! This wild vixen could be the crazy night you so desperately need.
Problem: Airfare home is putting you in the poor house.
Solution: Take advantage of global instability. Call home and explain that your plane was grounded after some idiot took out nose hair scissors at 30,000 feet. Say that you’re praying they can rebook you, but flights are crazy crowded. Then hang up and continue watching your Real Housewives marathon.
Problem: You stupidly hooked up with a coworker at the office holiday party and now you’ve got a clinger.
Solution: Say, “I think we made a mistake, we should have never hooked up… without getting engaged first! Let’s go to Vegas right now and do this!” You will never hear from them again.
Problem: Your dad wants to know when you’re going to get a “real” job.
Solution: Silence him by making it rain Bitcoins (which we guess means throw your laptop at him?)
Problem: You’re a fully adult person, but you still get stuck at the kids table.
Solution: Look on the bright side: do you know how easy it is to steal a kid’s slice of pie while he’s playing Minecraft on an iPad? Very. Or even the iPad. Children are very weak.
Problem: No one will pass you the potatoes.
Solution: Get up and get that carb bomb yourself, fatty.