12 Keys to Surviving a New Year's Day Hangover
Surviving the worst hangover of the year involves more than drinking sports beverages, taking pain relievers, and wishing you'd never been born. It also involves advanced steps like "pre-brunch" and "pants avoidance." Heed the advice below to ensure your recovery is as swift and pain-free as possible.
Wake up before noon
There's a fine line between "sleeping one off" and falling into a coma. Comas are even harder to recover from than hangovers, so even if you wake up and do nothing but sit on your butt instead of lay on your back, you're still helping your cause. Note:Adding one hour for every hour you were out past 5am is probably a good idea.
Don't wake up with your face in pizza
If it's just hovering inches over the pizza, that's okay, but the feeling of failure associated with actually being in the pizza can last for weeks, causing you to want to do nothing but fall into the aforementioned coma.
Don't start your New Year's resolutions yet
You need to be doing whatever it takes to restore your body and mind to a non-zombie state -- and getting more organized/cutting down on bacon/etc are going to hurt your cause, not help it. And besides, aren't resolutions are meant to be abandoned on weekends and holidays anyway?
Relive your post-college life in the most fun way possible by watching Fox's new comedy, because watching people hilariously unable to pay the rent is so much better than realizing you haven't actually paid your own come January 1st.
Like the look of that hangover cure? Check the full recipe here.
Eat before leaving for brunch
You need hangover food desperately, but the wait for New Year's Day brunch will make the waiting room at the doctor's office seem like a NASCAR track. Maybe try a new category on Seamless, like "kosher vegetarian," which actually exists. You'll probably be hungry again by the time you sit down, and even if you're not, you should probably eat anyway because, as with all your other pledges, you're not going to kick off "only eat when I'm hungry" 'til Monday.
Don't feel ashamed of what you did last night
Even if it involved someone you see at brunch! Shame will only suppress the endorphins you desperately need to kick in in order not to feel like a building has fallen on your head. Hopefully you've achieved a level of maturity that allows you to feel comfortable with all of the shameful things you've done anyway. And if you didn’t do anything shameful last night, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't call your parents
It's not their birthday. It's an international day of recovery, and regardless it's not like you didn't just speak to them a few days ago when that much more responsible son had his 2015th birthday. A strained conversation with your folks will only plague you with guilt after your feeble, shenanigans-ravaged voice betrays all of the poor life choices you once again failed to learn from last night. Just shoot them a happy emoji, and call them when you're mentally sharp enough to fool them into believing you're excited about becoming the man/woman they always thought you could be in 2016.
Put hydrogen peroxide on some (if not all!) of your many mysterious wounds
Forget the hangover, you don't want to actually die just because you don't know how to enter a taxi without maiming yourself.
Remain conscious enough to remember what you binge watch
There's nothing more agonizing than the binge re-watch. Except maybe nuclear war.
Build a home steam room
Feeling like you might not survive without a good steam but also might not survive the trip to the health club? Turn the shower on hot, close the door, and sit on the toilet. You’re a regular Tim Allen! Or maybe just a regular "that guy who was also on the show who had a beard."
Put padding on all your furniture
Sound extreme? It is! But your sense of balance is probably about toddler-level right now. If you think the taxi was bad, just wait 'til you see what that evil-ass end table has in store for you.
Don't look at yourself in the mirror
As Nietzsche famously said, "And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will remind you that you spent $780 on vodka last night."
Don't put on pants 'til you're ready to leave the house
Until then, wearing pants will only make you feel like you should leave the house, and that's simply not necessarily true. Everyone one of us is a beautiful, unique snowflake, and some snowflakes require 24 hours of not seeing another human being in order to fully recover from NY Eve internal organ devastation. If thinking you should leave the house causes you to actually leave it and then be forced to deal with basic social interactions before your system is ready, that could completely derail your recovery.