Few things will draw a crowd faster than the smell of meat sizzling over charcoal. As soon as the scent hits the air, friends and neighbors will throw open their doors and rush your front gate, hoping to get an ice cold beer in their hand and a dripping burger into their mouth.
Summer is basically defined by barbecues, so it’s no surprise everyone in your neighborhood is going to want a taste of whatever you’re throwing on the grill. Here’s just a sampling of the people who might come knocking.
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The Grill Guard
An orchestra can’t play without a maestro, and your barbecue won’t go on without the grill master. Usually seen sporting an apron with a distasteful pun about “tasting his meat,” the grill guard will take great offense if you complain about your burger’s temperature, or try to take his spatula.
The Backseat Griller
“Hey, don’t you think that one is ready to flip?”
Lets you know in advance they want soy pups and black bean burgers -- or even better, brings them.
Doesn’t let you know they have dietary considerations until it’s too late, but hey -- what a great time to lecture you on the indignities of commercial meat!
The One Who Wears the Pants
The minute the sun hit denim you immediately regretted this decision. Your thighs are starting to sweat (or cry, maybe?) because they are trapped inside a dark, unyielding cage of fabric.
The Sunshine Snoozer
There’s nothing more comforting than the feeling of sunshine on your face and three hotdogs in your stomach. So, by all means, curl up in the hammock or shut your eyes in that lawn chair. We’ll gently wake you before you get sunburn, promise.
The Barbecue Snob
This guy watched that one episode of Mind of Chef where Sean Brock and Rodney Scott whip up mouth-watering Charleston barbecue, and will spend the day pontificating about gas vs. wood grills or how there isn’t enough salt in the rub. Please, just eat your burger.
The Interloper in a Game of Cornhole
Not our fault if you get hit in the head with the bag.
The (Too) Competitive Cornhole Champ
This guy read up on our pro Cornhole tips and is lighting up the backyard board. But did he really have to make your nephew cry? Not cool.
The Person Who Shows Up With Plates
I mean, great. We need plates. But you couldn’t bring a bag of chips? Or some beer? Or plates and napkins? But please, have another bratwurst.
The Couple Giving Each Other the Silent Treatment
It’s home-improvement season, and these two spent the morning bickering about soffits in the hardware store, or worse: putting together outdoor furniture from some company in Rövhålet. Now, they aren’t speaking to each other, and everyone is uncomfortable.
The Guy Who Sprays Someone With a Hose
This guy thinks he’s showing his affection when he sprays his unassuming victim with ice cold water at such a high pressure it could douse a fire. Skin grafts may be required.
No matter who attends your barbecue, all of them fall into one very broad category: good friends happy to sample your grilling efforts with Miller Lite.
The Garden Hose Victim
She’s pissed, and rightfully so. Plus, her phone got wet and her pictures from Coachella weren’t backed up to the Cloud yet.
The Dude Who’s Constantly Making Trips to 7/11
Everyone says he’s at the party but he’s been getting charcoal for three hours now.
The One Who Wants to Make It a Dance Party
This person just came back from some tropical vacation and wants a chance to show off his new love for samba.
The One Inside the House Watching C-SPAN in the Dark
One less mouth to feed, though you worry about his inevitable return to the party because it will result in a huge argument about the election and possibly an overturned table.
The Ukulele Guy
There’s always a dude at a party with a musical instrument, and at a barbecue, it’s usually a ukulele. And that person is always playing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”
Someone Who Keeps Reapplying Sunscreen
Sunscreen is very important. But this chick is getting her greasy fingerprints all over the table and everything now smells like coconut and petroleum.
He Who Sports Cargo Shorts
How many things can you keep in your pockets? Did you bring your own silverware?!
The Defector From Another Barbecue
“Is this organic mayonnaise? The BBQ I was at earlier had organic mayo in the potato salad.”
The Person Who Can’t Stay Long
She was only supposed to be here for 10 minutes to say hello but three burgers later and she’s still saying goodbye at the gate.
The Shirtless Guy
You spent all winter in the gym -- so sun’s out, guns out. We get it. You’re making us feel bad. Please put a shirt on.
The Other Shirtless Guy
We are all for celebrating your Dad Bod, and more power to you for that '70s chest hair. However, you should still wear a shirt. There’s food around!
The Hobbit in Sandals
You are not prepared for the warm! Go back inside and trim those toenails, bud.
The Michael Jordan of Beer Pong
No one cares about the backwards shot you made during college. Stop talking about it! (Probably can’t even do it again.)