Every Question Millennials Will Be Asked This Thanksgiving, Answered
Aside from ignoring casual racist comments from grandparents, the hardest thing for a millennial at Thanksgiving is fielding the myriad queries that extended family members born before the Internet undoubtedly ask. So in an effort to both soften the generational gap and make things a little easier on you, fair millennial, we've preemptively answered all these questions for you! We'll get through this -- together.
Q: “What would you say... you do?”
A: “My unpaid marketing internship is at a new social media platform that connects dog owners with poop scoopers. It’s just like a factory job! Imagine me sitting outside a factory every day for a few months and yelling at passersby about the quality of the company's sweatshirts while waiting for a foreman to notice and give me an entry-level position stitching logos. But with computers.”
Q: “Why do the kids take selfies?”
A: “Because they feel lonely. The only way to really fix that is with likes, which you get from selfies.”
Q: “What is Snapchat?”
A: “Did you ever pass a note to your crush in middle school, grandpa? Did they even have middle school when you were growing up? Snapchat started off like that, except the note was a photo of your penis and it disappeared before the teacher could see it.”
Q: “What is Netflix and chill?"
A: “It’s like going to a drive-in movie theater, except on your couch... if you know what I mean!!
Q: ”You don’t really believe in global warming, do you?”
A: “Can you pass the stuffing?”
Q: “What is a man bun?”
A: “It’s when a guy doesn't wash his hair and wraps it up in a hair tie that a girl left at his house after they Netflix and chilled. Usually it means they're in a band that has yet to be signed to a label.”
Q: “Do you cook for yourself?”
A: “Nah, there’s this thing called Seamless/Postmates/GrubHub, and it’s basically like calling for Chinese takeout, but they bring you whatever you want and charge you a lot more for it. But, every few weeks I will go to a farmers' market and buy overpriced vegetables from a guy with a man bun.”
Q: “Should I start a Facebook account?”
A: “I don’t think they’re giving those out anymore. Have you heard of Ello? Everyone uses that now.”
Q: “What type of music do you listen to?”
A: “I listen to everything! Pop music, which is great because every song has 100 people working on it, and also electronic dance music which is great because you can take selfies and hang out with Molly, who is so much fun. Oh and also, I'm really into Drake.”
Q: “Who is Drake?”
A: “Drake is a Canadian who’s known for his dance moves.”
Q: “Where do you get your music?”
A: “Music-streaming websites, mostly. They're like record stores on your computer but you don’t have to pay anything so long as you don't mind listening to a Febreze ad every other song. But sometimes I do buy vinyl records from Urban Outfitters. Do you still have any of your old ones? I will spend an hour with you sometime in the next few weeks if I can have them.”
Q: “What ever happened to that nice girl you brought to Thanksgiving two years ago?”
A: “She moved to Thailand to become a certified scuba instructor, and then de-friended me on Facebook.”
Q: “When are you going to have kids?”
A: “Do you want to see some photos of my cat?”
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Dan Gentile is a staff writer at Thrillist. His parents are pretty with-it and recently began using his Netflix password, but he sincerely hopes they aren’t chilling while they watch it. Follow him to gross gross gross: @Dannosphere.