Not working more when you were younger
And even though you ARE killing it, you realize that those dudes who worked 80-hour weeks and started their own businesses are now vacationing in Monaco. With their kids.
That investment you didn’t make
One of those guys was your crazy buddy who asked for $5,000 to help fund his smartphone dating app for dog owners. You thought it was ridiculous. He’s now worth more than the GNP of Fiji.
Everything you eat
Because now, even water seems to make you fat.
Forgetting anniversaries and birthdays
After the ability to read without glasses, your memory is the first thing to go. And, unfortunately, that memory is of your niece’s birthday, the anniversary of your first date, and some years, Christmas. Nobody seems to be very understanding.
Masturbating (but for completely different reasons)
You’ve definitely gotten over feeling like it’s gross or bad; it’s just that now there are a lot of mornings when, to paraphrase Lester Burnham, jerking off in the shower is the highlight of your day.