Halloween was once the time when you could be anything you wanted, like a cowboy or a ninja or some sort of cowboy-ninja hybrid. But now you are mature: too noisy to be a ninja and too hapless to be a cowboy. Does that mean you can’t rock Halloween like a horror-cane?
Literally, hell no! This modern world has tricked you into thinking you’re not supposed to have fun unless it’s somehow productive. But you’re never too old to be scared, and now you can treat yourself to all the ways this holiday can be celebrated by adults. For (pumpkin) spicy reasons like…
By Q4, you’ve earned a break
Sadly, you are too old to wander the earth with a pillowcase and bring home enough chocolate to sustain your family. Instead, you must toil in the mines of middle management, filling out TPS reports and working more than you damn well should. Americans put in a LOT of work hours... 418 more per year than the Germans in fact.
In addition to more hours, we take fewer vacations. But at least you’re not some serf, toiling endlessly in the Dark Ages, right? Wrong. Those guys knew the value of play and would laugh at how many hours you labor.
Blast it all, you deserve a sugary day of make-believe. So dress up in your favorite superhero pajamas, open a candy bar, and go grab two beers: one for you, and one for that Sexy Goblin you just met.
You can indulge pumpkin spice without shame
Did you know that Jack O’Lanterns were originally carved out of turnips? That’s lame. Turnips are a vegetable so bitter and gas-inducing that in a pre-industrial age, hungry farmers looked at them and said, “Not even in a soup. Better to use them as lanterns.” And it's not like it's easy to hollow out a turnip, either. Ugh, go away, turnips.
It was only in America that Halloween reached its fruition (zing!) with the pumpkin Jack O’Lantern. As well it should, because pumpkins are delicious and beautiful and defy the seasons by growing massive well into autumn -- why, they are modern American adulthood itself! Savor one today with all those rich spices that would have cost your colonial forefathers more than their house.
Look, not everybody loves pumpkin spice, and that’s cool. More for the rest of humanity. But some people do, and we've been making them self-conscious about it. If you’re a Becky who can’t enjoy this one little pleasure for fear of being characterized as basic, here, at least, is respite for you. Because today, of all days, is an entire holiday about pumpkins.
Costumes are straight-up roleplay
Masquerade parties are an old tradition. They’re your chance to step out of your identity and wear someone else’s skin (literally, if you’re going as Leatherface! Sadly, it is very difficult to pull off a Sexy Leatherface costume).
Even though you’re a rational adult, some part of you knows the night is dark and full of terrors. But if you dress up like a monster you just might sneak past them, and as a reward for your bravery you get candy!
So costumes let you feel brave or monstrous or -- as is frequently the case in Halloween -- sexy. Whether you’re a scary vampire or another, sexier but stupidly sparkling vampire, you get to be a fun version of yourself. And maybe the next day you’ve got a little more stride in your step, because you know what life can be like when you leave all of yourself behind and walk through it like someone you want to be.
It's an excuse to go out on a weeknight
All that roleplay gives people an excuse to meet someone who’s not their type, unless you’re dressed as Batman, because Batman is everyone’s type. And there’s no such thing as too busy to celebrate -- again, unless you’re Batman, because Batman is very busy.
Nobody wants to celebrate Halloween on Nov. 1st. So if it falls on a weeknight, by golly, you are going out tonight! Much like the Batman you pretend to be, you will patrol the city looking for costumed weirdoes. Although in your case it ends with you guys raising a beer to each other, which is a happier ending all around.
...has Batman ever tried that? Maybe his friendship is all the Joker's been after this entire time.
Everyone loves candy
Sure, you might not eat candy, but you love it. It doesn’t matter if you’re paleo, low-carb, no-carb, or Joe Carb, that ironically named fellow who comes into the deli every day but only orders a salad. It doesn’t even matter if you hate America and it hurts to smile: everyone loves candy.
For it’s not the sugar that makes candy delicious. It’s the forbidden treatiness of the thing. And what is Halloween, if not a night to explore what we normally don't? Tempt the darkness, friends. Tempt it with candy.
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