Lifestyle

43 Signs You’re a New Orleans Douchebag

Published On 10/20/2015 Published On 10/20/2015

Let’s face it, New Orleanians, as a whole, are pretty great. We’re incredibly friendly, love to party, and have an almost pathological sense of hospitality. That said, for every hundred or so fantastic and warm NOLA residents, there’s at least one douchebag. Should you happen to be unclear on whether or not you are that douchebag (already a worrying sign), here are some excellent indicators.
 

1. You wear all Perlis, all the time

We get it, you have a crawfish on your shirt. And your shorts. And your belt. And probably your underwear.
 

2. You never leave Bywater/Marigny

 

3. You never leave Uptown

 

4. You INSIST that Metairie is not part of New Orleans

Yes, it’s in a different parish, but it’s still part of the greater New Orleans area and NOT a distinct city, unlike Kenner (brah). It can actually be pretty great.

Flickr/Frank Carroll

5. You always wear shorts even when it’s 40 degrees

You are an adult. Just buy some damn trousers already. Or at least a pair of jeans.
 

6. You wear an LSU visor. Inside. When it’s raining. In January.

Even Les Miles wears an actual hat.
 

7. You have a wardrobe that consists of nothing but camo

It’s not working; someone is going to see you. In fact, it makes you obnoxiously conspicuous.
 

8. You brag about your hunting camp in Mississippi, but never with an invite

Even if we don’t like to kill things, it would be nice.

Flickr/Amanda Richards

9. You complain about the noise level of live music

Move back to Boston or Atlanta or wherever you came from, because you clearly don’t understand how life works here.
 

10. You name-drop musicians

“So me and Kermit and Mac and Shorty and John and Stanton and...”
 

11. You name-drop Saints players

Triple that for Drew Brees.
 

12. You name-drop actors that you tooootally went drinking with

Sure, you tied one on with McConaughey. We believe you.
 

13. Your Saints season tickets never make it to the stadium

You never go, you never let other people use them. Could I have your ticket, bruh? No? So someone else has it? No? But you’re selling it, right? No? Um...
 

14. You are unacceptably nasty to the opposing team’s fans

A little good-natured ribbing is expected, but personally insulting, throwing drinks at, or punching people cheering for the other guys is categorically not the way we do things here.
 

15. You carry a saxophone everywhere you go

Even Branford Marsalis takes a break every now and again. You should too.
 

16. You bought a house specifically to rent out on Airbnb

Get. Out. Of our neighborhood. You prick.

Flickr/Kevin O'Mara

17. You think that costuming is lame

In which case, you are seriously in the wrong city. 
 

18. You can’t deal with gay people

There is a strong, proud, vibrant LGBT community here, and there has been for a long time. If you can’t live with that, NOLA might not be the best fit for you.
 

19. You mark your parade route fiefdom with a tarp/blanket...

... then yell at people who cross it. It’s Mardi Gras, not the Oklahoma land rush.
 

20. You have an entire cooler of beer at a parade, but refuse to share

Remember when you had gum in lower school and your teacher asked “if you had enough for everybody?” Same deal. 
 

21. You cross the street through the middle of a marching band

These kids work all year to get their flow right, and you’re just going to walk directly through it? Ugh.

Flickr/Martin Deutsch

22. You snatch Mardi Gras throws that were clearly meant for children

Catch and release, just like fishing. If you don’t hand it to the kid, everyone sees it and is totally judging you. You deserve it.
 

23. You deliberately park in someone’s driveway during Jazz Fest or Mardi Gras

 

24. You step on someone’s hand going for a parade throw on the ground

YOU MONSTER.
 

25. You harass bike commuters

A guy in a car was recently arrested for slapping a biker’s ass and taunting her. Do not be that guy.
 

26. You ride your bike 2mph in the middle of the lane down Magazine St

 

27. You ride your bike in the opposite direction of traffic

Without a helmet. While talking on your phone and drinking a beer.

Flickr/Bart Everson

28. You treat I-10 like the goddamn Fury Road

Going 95mph in the far right lane? Tailgating everyone you encounter? You’re not a War Boy, chief. You’re going to get someone killed. And we will NOT “witness you.”
 

29. You refuse to drive without having your face fully consumed by a digital device

You’re just begging to become a statistic.
 

30. You constantly mention the judge/DA you know who can get you out of anything

 

31. You only go to shows so you can take pics for Instagram

We go to shows for the music here. Haven’t you heard? Or do we need to DM that to you?
 

32. You don’t put your phone down at shows, even for a second

 

33. You dance with aggressive enthusiasm

At least, compared to the dancing of the rest of the crowd.
 

34. You go to a show smelling like a waste-processing plant...

... that took a dump on another waste-processing plant.

Flickr/Skooksie

35. You’ve been 86’d from Ms. Mae’s

 

36. You snap your fingers at a server or bartender

NEVER EVER EVER.
 

37. You demand a buyback

 

38. Your favorite bar is The Foundation Room

 

39. You never go out anywhere but the Warehouse District

 

40. You attempt to twerk in a clearly non-twerking situation

Are you at a Big Freedia and/or Katey Red show? Good. Cowboy Mouth? Not so good.

Flickr/Mike

41. You weirdly think the city doesn't have kale

Yes, we have kale here.
 

42. You're Diaper Dave.

That is, you are a Louisiana senator from NOLA running for governor who claims to be all about family values, when in fact you’re fond of having prostitutes dress you in diapers.
 

43. You don’t have a sense of humor about lists like this

Like we said, the people here are overwhelmingly nice. And thankfully, we don’t let a couple of bad apples spoil the barrel. 

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Scott Gold is a New Orleans author who has been guilty of a terrifying number of these. See the proof at @ScottGold.

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