We share a lot of your Irish/Italian ancestry and even have a similar accent, yet we figured out how to celebrate that without being total douche-nozzles who consider punching someone in the head an appropriate morning greeting. Also, your cheating-ass football team and its crybaby QB can kiss our collective black-and-gold taint.
At least the biggest menaces on our streets are the actual streets and not the people behind the wheel. Between your nana driving 6 mph and the kids practicing their Tokyo drift, it’s like the goddamn Fury Road in Miami, but with more cosmetic surgery and matzoh balls.
The rest of Florida's cities
Thrillist NOLA will say nothing disparaging about the great state of Florida, because we’re pretty sure they’d kill us, store our bodies in an ice cream truck, and then make stew out of our internal organs and handbags from our skin. And that’s AFTER violating our corpses. Yes, we will say nothing, and you shouldn’t, either. You scary, FL.
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Scott Gold is a fiercely proud New Orleanian writer who might lie low before visiting any other cities for a while. Follow him on Twitter at @ScottGold.