I Just Wanna Piss on... Something
"We met up for a late-night date. He seemed pretty tipsy to start off, but I dragged him out to the bar anyway, which would later turn out to be a grave mistake. He seemed like a nice guy so I took him back to my place. We hooked up, then passed out. Around 5am, I woke up to the sound of splashing water. I open my eyes to see a figure standing over my hamper. He was peeing in the corner, of course.
"I screamed at him, 'What the fuck are you doing?!' He was clearly disoriented, thought he was in the bathroom. I was so angry I chased him out of my apartment buck naked, threatening to make him pay for the damages. It was all over my wall and floor, my Mac, and mostly in my hamper of clean clothes. He basically told me to fuck off and he wouldn't pay for shit with 'that kind of attitude.'
"Later that afternoon, he woke up to my string of angry texts and phone calls and apologized and offered to pay for the damages. He picked an expensive hamper to pee in: it was all of my silks, dry-cleaned dresses, and delicates, totaling almost $100 worth of cleaning and pressing." -- Ellie, 26
The Drugged-Up, Ass-Out Hugger
"The CliffsNotes: invited to go on a date to Dream House, show up to a total catfish (~10 years older, foot shorter, 20lb smaller [usual bitchy young woman complaints]), we have a quick drink, then go into a pink-lit, shoes-forbidden, totally empty soundscape experience where he tells me he smoked a bunch of opium before meeting up.
"Conversation is impossible, leaving is too much of a panic move since we're the only ones inside -- time moves differently in Dream House than it should. Hours seem to pass, he's now 20 years older than his profile said, we still haven't said more than six words to each other, finally I say I'm 'pretty tired' (it's 9pm), our bodies touch in a regrettable hug-like fashion, and I run after a cab. -- Lisa, 25
Google Your Cons
"He was weird as fuck before I met him. He would send me these strange dark bathroom selfies and text abbreviations for, like, every word. Some words don't get abbreviated; he did not get this. Anyway, he suggests meeting at literally one of the grossest bars I have ever been to in NYC. (I'm all about a dive bar, but this was something else entirely.) Before we got drinks, he wanted me to come with him to walk his dog, so I did. I thought that was weird, but I figured I'd have maybe half a drink with him, then bounce.
"While he was back upstairs putting his dog away (which he speaks to like a child with a baby voice) I decide to Google his name, just to pass the time. Come to find out, he was in prison for the last 15 years and had just gotten out. For a quick moment I was like, aww he's been given a second chance (I was really into Serial at the time) but then he came out, started aggressively making out with me, and stuck his finger in my mouth. I literally spit up on him, and ran away." -- Michaela, 29
Mr. "Who Is This?"
"I matched with an outside-the-box right swipe. He was slightly older than my typical selections, preppy, and altogether more straight-laced than my usual 'type.' But I figured, 'Hey, the usual has a proclivity to fail anyway, so why not?' Over chat, we clicked, and he suggested that we get a drink, then sent me his number to make arrangements. A couple of days later, I texted him, and we made plans to meet in the next few days at a bar Downtown. I stopped paying attention to my phone for a while after that, and when I looked again, I had a string of texts from this guy, including one that read, 'I need to do laundry. Badly.' Attached was a picture of his ass. Butt naked. A follow-up text addressing my lack of response (I hadn't looked at the conversation in about an hour) read, 'Crickets.'
"In what world does one go from 'Yes, 6:30 drinks work for me' to BOOM butt pic? Upon closer inspection I had to acknowledge that my suitor did appear to have a fairly shapely behind. But svelte or not, this just wasn't acceptable. I responded with a text telling him that by no means did I sanction the sending of pics, and that he had taken things a bit too far. On the day we were supposed to go on our date, I realized that he might still be under the impression that we were still meeting up. So, to ensure this wasn’t the case, I sent another text stating that I was no longer comfortable going on a date with him. His response: 'Who is this?'
"What a freak show, right? But I realized that 'who is this' might be the most genius response ever to awkward situations of your own making. You ask someone on a date via text, they say no; someone pesters you with inane bullshit via text; or someone even just asks you if you’re OK after a night of embarrassment... 'who is this?' What a great response. While I find the unsanctioned delivery of a butt selfie disturbing, ultimately I have to thank this dude for giving me such a gift." -- Kate, 30
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Dave Infante is senior Snapchat editor and writer-at-large for Thrillist. His momma always said, "Tinder is as Tinder does." Follow @dinfontay on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.