10. Do your personal grooming at home.
A fun fact about your fragrance of choice: no one other than you wants to inhale it for the next two hours. A little touch-up here and there is totally acceptable, but please avoid lotioning your legs and brushing your hair for the sake of your poor neighbor. And do not even THINK about clipping your nails.
11. The overhead compartments exist for a reason.
The aisles are for walking. This is literally the only purpose they serve. Your bag resting in the walkway does not need to be the reason that 35 different commuters suffer crippling back injuries.
12. Walk toward your car of choice on the platform, not inside the car.
In spite of the absurd amount of money you pay per month to ride this luxury mode of transit, LIRR trains are not exactly spacious. If possible, avoid hitting every seated customer in the back of the head with your bag while you saunter through the first nine cars of the train, by moving towards your desired car on the platform.
13. The person sitting next to you is not your friend.
Chances are, you wouldn’t speak to the person to your left on the subway, so what makes you think the rules are different on the LIRR? The girl reading across from you does not want to take a break from her book to give you a detailed description of what she’s reading. I promise. Don’t ask.
14. If you put your feet on the seat across from you, you are objectively an asshole.
Whether the train is crowded at this moment or not, someone will eventually have to occupy the seat you have now so graciously coated with the filth lining the bottom of your Midtown-sidewalk-dusted loafers.
15. Quiet cars are actually a thing.
During the morning peak, the first car of your train is the quiet car, and during the evening peak, it’s the last. There is one car on the entire train dedicated to complete silence. Do not be the person who ruins it.
16. Expect judgment if you have a single ride ticket.
Most of the other commuters on your train have likely been dishing out $350 a month to travel from Babylon to Penn on a daily basis for years. Nobody is amused by the novelty of your first LIRR ride. And that being said, don’t spend 10 minutes looking for your ticket when the conductor arrives -- shockingly enough, you bought a ticket for a reason, and someone will check it. Keep it in hand.
17. Sleep with caution.
No one will blame you for dozing off on your 7am train to work, but no one will sympathize when you miss your stop because you were drooling down the front of some poor NYU boy’s T-shirt.
18. Nobody cares if you're going to the Hamptons.
Your pink shorts and your pastel Montauk pull-over already gave you away. You and your Vineyard Vines luggage do not also need to discuss, at top volume, how excited you are for the lobster rolls at Surf Lodge. Seriously, no one cares.
19. Wait until you exit Penn Station to Google directions to your destination.
You are asking to be pummeled to the ground by a hoard of already-late commuters if you plan on wandering through Penn Station while staring intently at the little blue dot on your phone screen. You are an inconvenience. Look up.
20. Blocking the big board makes you a public menace.
Not only does this make you look like an oblivious half-wit, but by choosing this specific piece of real estate for rapid Tindering, you have managed to inconvenience everyone in Penn Station while standing still.
21. Transferring at Jamaica is the MTA's way of culling the weak.
If you’re not getting off at Penn Station, odds are you’re going to almost miss your stop. This means that when you jump up last minute, you’ll have at least two problems. First you’ve got to fight your way through throngs of people who have never considered that some folks might get off before Penn, and then there’s the onrushing parade of commuters boarding at Jamaica -- all of whom are already bitter about having had to wait at this godforsaken station for so long. Sorry.