Someday the world will learn to just stop asking the internet to name things (basically the equivalent of asking George Washington to watch your prized cherry tree for a sec! Right??). Today is not that day, as Staten Island has enlisted the good citizens of the internet to help name its Minor League baseball team, currently named the Staten Island Yankees. The suggestions have been narrowed down to five names, which, according to the official voting page, “captured the bold attitude of Staten Islanders and the unique nature of New York City.” By that they mean two of the main contenders are the “Bridge Trolls” and the “Pizza Rats.”
Determined to make lemonade and truly depressing copy out of lessons unlearned, the justification offered for naming a sports team after thieving vermin is as follows: “Like Staten Islanders and New Yorkers, these natives are tenacious, enterprising and know where to find the best food in the city.” Make sure to cast your vote for Pizza Rats here within the next two weeks, because like President Washington coming clean about that cherry tree, it’s just the right thing to do.
In the event that they realize they need to just start all over (because this was a no-headphone-jack-on-an-iPhone-level bad idea) we offer these alternatives: