Everyone in New York secretly thinks they have good subway etiquette, just like everyone thinks they’re good at singing. The reality is, you probably don’t, because if everyone did, we wouldn’t have to resist the urge to off people while riding that nightmarish underground steel tube on a daily basis. And even if you do (and we’re sure you have a great singing voice, too) a refresher course doesn’t hurt.
Behold: the all-encompassing etiquette guide for riding a crowded NYC subway like a classy son of a bitch.
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One should always let others fully and efficiently exit the train
We know you have your eye on that seat, and you’ll do just about anything to get it, but don’t block the people exiting the train. It just makes you a jackass.
One should remove his or her enormous backpack during the ride
There's nothing you can do about an armpit in your face, but there is something you can do about the massive Herschel knocking into you.
One should always give up his or her seat to the elderly, pregnant, or those with baggage
We don’t mean the emotional kind, or you’ll be giving up your seat every time.
One should seldom, or never, strike up a conversation with a stranger
We’re just trying to get from point A to B and out of this shitty situation known as the NYC commute as quickly as possible. Shhhhhh.
One should refrain from nodding off at all costs
It’s really awkward when you have to wake someone up because their head is on your shoulder and they’re starting to drool.
One should absolutely never block the doors
Picture this: you’re running late, and shit this train is full and -- wait! -- you can squeeze yourself in this car if this person would just walk all the way in, move away from the doors, and free up a little space. Don’t be that life-ruiner.
One should never stare at a neighboring passenger
Eye contact of any kind is discouraged, honestly. When you’re already in this close of proximity, it’s incredibly uncomfortable.