We probably don't understand you well enough to comment on this. Probably no one ever has. Probably no one ever will. Probably you're dressed in all black (like Prince Hamlet, no doubt). You're not making any friends here.
Who to read instead: Why not read Milan Kundera? His books are still In Translation. The Book of Laughter and Forgetting is one of Louis C.K.’s favorite books, and we know how much you love him. But seriously, Kundera's work explores and extends Nietzsche's ideas in moving, beautiful, and novel ways, as opposed to those other people who were influenced by him and, you know, headed fascist regimes. Ubermensch, indeed.
Pick-up artists/Tucker Max
You have to be a circa-2008 fratboy sent to the future in the Hot Tub Time Machine for this to make any sense. Also you’re probably just bad. Just a bad man. Shame...
Who to read instead: If you want sexually explicit details, a study of masculinity, and misogyny disguised as literature, read a goddamn Philip Roth novel.
Any young adult writer if you're over the age of 17
There has admittedly been some pushback against this attitude in the last couple years, but how many books do you have time to read in your life? You want your parents to recognize that you're an adult now anyway, so why not challenge yourself intellectually and emotionally and experience something that wasn't made for the population who listened to the previous, not-socially-acceptable-to-enjoy incarnation of Justin Bieber.
Who to read instead: Do you like plot? Intrigue? Orphans? Young people discovering themselves? Romance? (JK, you don't waste time on stuff like that -- where the phallic whales at!?) Why not read a 19th-century author? Many YA tropes were established in those books, and they were supported by beyond-third-grade-level sentence structure, philosophical intensity, and moral seriousness. Some might argue that all of these are present in some of the better contemporary YA novels. Fine... but do you get to travel back in time!? If I said you could spend 10 hours in the mind of your great-great grandmother and know her daily preoccupations, her aspirations, and her struggles, you'd do it, right? And what if your grandma were a genius, too? Well, grab a copy of Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre and hop on into this HOT TUB TIME MACHINE OF THE SOUL!
Any writer with a movie adaptation in theaters
This also applies to books with the movie poster on the cover. Here's the deal: movies are for the masses, for people who don't maximize the productivity of their daily commute with the great achievements of the Humanist tradition, because frankly they're not as smart, ambitious, or as open-minded as you are. And how are any of the people on the train supposed to recognize that about you if they know that you go to movie theaters that have over 50 seats in them?
Who to read instead: Read some books that were written before movies were invented -- better yet, before photography -- or even better, before the codex! Let's go back to the oral tradition. Homer's The Iliad and The Odyssey are basically action movies with really good dialogue (Homer = proto Quentin Tarantino?), so just pick up one of those ancient epics, preferably in the original Greek. You picked up Greek on the side while you took Latin in high school, didn't you?