And lo, Mayor Greg Stanton came to Phoenix and unleashed unto the denizens a list of 21 commandments, which if followed, shall allow lives of peace filled with wondrous Mexican food, plenty of air conditioning, and the bliss of never having to experience daylight savings time. And the tablets read:
1. Visit the Phoenix Art Museum
Unless you want everyone to think you're totally uncultured, you have to make it to the Phoenix Art Museum -- at least a couple times.
2. Fully embrace the highest-quality Mexican food
If you're living in Phoenix -- or anywhere in Arizona -- you have to be willing to eat on some prime Mexican food... even if it is just a quesadilla. (But trust us: eat at Frank & Lupe's and you’ll have much more than just a quesadilla.)
3. Accept that Pizzeria Bianco is the best pizza in Phoenix
Or in the country. No one is going to agree with you if you think otherwise.
4. Drink water
Eight cups a day, friends. The desert is not kind to the dehydrated.
5. Support the Cardinals (and all other Phoenix sports teams)
Things haven't been so bad in recent years, but sometimes it's not so easy to keep the faith. Don't be a fair-weather fan. Just don't.
6. Take a trip to the Salt River at least once during the summer
If you want to preserve your youth and Phoenician status, you'll have to float down the river at least once during the summer months.
7. Go to First Friday
This Downtown Phoenix tradition allows you to tour art galleries and venues throughout the city. It’s pretty much all you need if you want to fully understand the local culture.
8. Avoid snow birds at all costs
When Phoenix enjoys the best weather of the year the commuters of the city experience the worst threat to safety and general order: snowbirds. Sorry, we know you guys are boosting our economy and enjoying your retirement, but please stay in your lane... literally.
9. Go to the Waste Management Open
If you're a golf fan -- hell, even if you’re not -- you've got to check this out. The Open brings out some of the largest crowds on the PGA Tour. Which means it's basically the biggest party of the year, and the entire Valley is invited.
10. Drink a Kilt Lifter
Local beers are big here, so if there's a brew from Four Peaks, SanTan Brewing, or any other local brewery available, we better not see you guzzling any basic national lager! Unsure where to start drinking? Four Peaks' description of a Kilt Lifter sounds like a pretty good start.
11. Make it to the top of Camelback Mountain
You have to do this at least once. Maybe once a year if you're really ambitious.
THOU SHALT NOT…
12. Drive in a car without air conditioning If you can't stick to this one for your own health and safety, at least do it for the sake of your innocent passengers. Honestly, driving around in a hot car when it's 115 degrees out probably shouldn't even be legal.
13. Drive in the rain
Phoenicians are notorious for being terrible drivers and if you've lived here any length of time you're probably a much worse driver than you think. Therefore, do everyone a favor and keep your vehicle in the garage for the day.
14. Get on the light rail after 10pm
If you're looking for a quiet ride home this is not the option for you any time of day -- especially at night. If you're looking for a bit of entertainment and trauma, however, maybe you should go ahead and do this.
15. Drink and drive
Do we really have to back this one up?
16. Skip a Sunday brunch
Sunday brunch is pretty much mandatory for your social life, so roll out of bed by 11am, shower off your Saturday night sins, and get ready for some eggs and mimosas!
17. Go to Mill Ave on a weekend night
Unless you're under the age of 25, you should probably just walk yourself out of Gringo Star right now. As tempting as it is to relive your college days, it's probably in everyone's best interest if you don’t.
18. Damage a saguaro
Whether you know them as saguaros or those giant cacti, they have a lot of rights here in Arizona -- maybe even more than you do. Don’t mess with them unless you're looking to add a "felon" to your resume.
19. Walk across someone's rock lawn
Here in Phoenix we choose not to put a lot of effort into our front yards (or use a lot of water, obviously), so please don’t force us to rake the yard by stomping your way through our rock lawn.
20. Turn the clocks back
If you are from anywhere else in the US this might come as a shock, but daylight savings time isn't a thing here, so keep your clocks where they're at all year long -- otherwise you'll just confuse everyone. We can’t have that.
21. Be a University of Arizona and an Arizona State fan
You have to pick one! And if you're living in the Valley, we're going to hope you choose Arizona State. But of course, everyone can like NAU. That's allowed.
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