Lifestyle

Does Your Pittsburgh Suburb Suck? An Investigation.

Published On 08/02/2016 Published On 08/02/2016

The best thing you can do when exploring the large number of Pittsburgh suburbs is to keep driving until you've reached the country. Are the people there any better? No, but there are far fewer of them. But since we're here to discuss the suckage factor of Pittsburgh's vast sprawl, let us explore the quaint, the commercial, and the angsty-teen-addled suburbs of Western Pennsylvania with open hearts and cynical perspectives.

Blawnox | Flickr/Jon Dawson

Blawnox

Home to Moondogs, a live blues bar, and N Stuff Music, arguably Pittsburgh's best music store, Blawnox manages to be the perfect dreary spot for old musicians and kids looking to land their first gigs while also being one of the dullest places on earth.

Bridgeville

Full of mediocre pizza and not much else.

Carnegie

Where you end up if you're in a metal band and don't want to crash on your married friend's couches any more.

Cranberry Township

Housing developments, a sea of Starbucks, and strip malls full of bored teenagers trying to pop an ollie or buy cocaine when the security guards aren't watching.

Dormont | Flickr/Joseph

Dormont

With its quaint shops, tacky bars, aging bachelors, and happy families, Dormont doesn't quite know what it's trying to be.

Ellwood City

Supposedly run by the mob?

Etna

It's possible that the median citizen demographic in Etna is 60 years old, Caucasian, female, and criminally insane.

Evans City | Flickr/Joseph

Evans City

Home to the graveyard where the famous, "They're coming to get you, Barbara," line was first uttered. Also, lots of cows and dangerous-looking bars.

Fox Chapel

Some of the top Google search results for Fox Chapel include "yacht club," "golf club," "country club"... you get it.

Greensburg

Perhaps the only suburb that can boast having a strip club located directly across the street from a church. Props.

McKees Rocks

That one part of the greater Pittsburgh area that even your super-progressive friends -- the ones who claim there are no unsafe neighborhoods -- won't set foot in. Fun fact: the now-deceased OxiClean spokesman Billy Mays was from here.

Millvale | Flickr/Jon Dawson

Millvale

Where you move if you're a 30-something married couple with a rescue dog and a baby on the way.

Monroeville

Like Cranberry Township, but bigger and full of ambiguous-looking buildings that no one ever goes into (or comes out of).  

Moon Township

Moon Township manages to somehow be less interesting than the gigantic floating space rock that it's named after. But at least it's close to Pittsburgh's only IKEA.

Mount Lebanon | Flickr/Jon Dawson

Mount Lebanon

The perfect destination for home-buyers who want to pay really high taxes and also be inconveniently far from the city.

Munhall

According to the internet, Munhall has excellent senior-care options, aka: it's where you go to die.

Oakmont | Flickr/Cam Miller

Oakmont

This suburb isn't blatantly terrible thanks to the Oakmont Bakery (which you should just camp out in front of at all times), but it also isn't terribly interesting. Neutral points awarded.

Ross Township

They're famous for how great their shopping mall supposedly is, but it doesn't even have a toy store. Ugh.

Seven Fields

Where Republicans go to procreate and teach their children the joys of fiscal conservatism.

Sewickley | Flickr/Joseph

Sewickley

RICH.

Sharpsburg

With a trendy new brewery slated to open up, Sharpsburg is borderline up-and-coming. But don't worry, it's also full of old ladies and lots of people you didn't know you were related to.

Upper St. Clair

Slightly less rich than Sewickley, but still, like, damn rich.

Warrendale

Full of cheap motels and family restaurants for when you've finally given up.

West Mifflin

Responsible for the Chevrolet commercial jingle that has inundated the mind of every Pittsburgher for over 20 years.

Wexford | Flickr/Rhettwp

Wexford

Wexford is a bit more palatable than some of Western PA's sprawling suburbs. It's home to Soergel Orchards but, oddly enough, is also where Christina Aguilera grew up.

Whitehall Township

About as Caucasian as its name would suggest.

Wilkinsburg

The closest you'll ever be to Pittsburgh without actually being in Pittsburgh. Take 20 steps out of Regent Square and suddenly your taxes go up and your school district is terrible.

Zelienople

Often referred to as "Zelie-a-nowhere" by the angsty teen population, this little suburb inspired a touring band to name themselves after the small community when they visited and were blown away by what a beautiful town it was. Clearly, this band has not traveled much.

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Julianna is not originally from Pittsburgh, so she enlisted the help of many locals when crafting this thoughtful collection of facts that she is confident no one will be upset by. Follow her as she weaves more tales of truth: @JuliannaLocal.

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