37 Signs You're a Pittsburgh Douchebag
According to this totally reputable, not-at-all-untrustworthy website, Pittsburgh is the 14th douchiest city in America. This number is based largely on the fact that we are a swing state that breathes the same air as Ben Roethlisberger, who has gained some major douche points over the years. With just over 300,000 residents in the city, you're more than likely to run across a couple of folks who fit the d-bag criteria. Here are 37 warning signs to help you figure out if you, too, may be suffering from a case of douchebaggery.
1. You only hang out in Bakery Square
Because large national chains obviously have the best food in Pittsburgh.
2. You warn people about all the dangerous neighborhoods they ought to avoid
"Don't go Dahntahn after 5," or, "You'll get stabbed in the Norfside." There's a good chance you haven't stepped out of Mount Lebanon in the past two decades.
3. You think Yellow Cab is better than Lyft and Uber
Granted, this opinion is most popular among Yellow Cab drivers, but still.
4. You've claimed there's nothing to do in Pittsburgh
Really, you're bored? It's not like we don't have tons of amazing bars, restaurants, music venues, and nationally recognized museums & art galleries.
5. You've willingly attended the annual Kenny Chesney concert at Heinz Field
In which case, you've most likely also pooped in a public trash can while crushing a Bud Light.
6. You take the aisle seat on a full bus
And when someone sweating under the weight of 10 Giant Eagle grocery bags passes by, you act like that window seat you're blocking doesn't even exist.
7. You get mad at EVERY person you see riding a bike
Whether they're on the sidewalk or in the road, you're gonna have something to say about it.
8. You pull your car up into the crosswalk and don't move for pedestrians
It's cool, I was planning on just sliding across your hood, anyway.
9. You pull the same dick move when a bus is trying to turn the corner
Here's a suggestion: don't play chicken with Port Authority drivers. They are full of rage and looking for somewhere to put it.
10. You treat Strip District's Penn Ave like your own personal sidewalk
There are cars here, but somehow you're just not seeing them.
11. You regularly get into arguments about whether Aiello's or Mineo's has the best pizza in the 'burgh
But if you don't like either of them, you're an even bigger douchebag.
12. You talk about how flipping houses in disparate neighborhoods is easy money
Queue your best bougie voice: "I got this five-bedroom Victorian in Wilkinsburg for $20,000. I'm thinking I'll either split it into five hastily constructed, overpriced apartments, or resell it in three years for $150,000."
13. You boastfully refer to the "hip" parts of Pittsburgh as the new Brooklyn
Please stop. That just means it will get more expensive and all the poor people will mysteriously disappear.
14. You live in Lawrenceville and complain about how high your rent is
You could be paying half that if you lived in ANY other part of Pittsburgh. No one feels bad for you.
15. Your parents still pay any portion of your rent
This is particularly frustrating in Pittsburgh because of how low the cost of living is. But also, grow up.
16. You're an Uber driver who accepts requests and then cancels them 10 seconds later when you realize the request came from Homewood or Hazelwood
See No. 2.
17. You regularly request bottle service at South Side bars
This isn't LA, and no one's actually impressed.
18. You wear a Pitt hoodie at all times
Even though you graduated five years ago.
19. You don't tip when you order delivery
Even when it's mid-January and your food still manages to get there on time. Give that miracle worker at least 20%.
20. You come to Nico's on Saturday night with 12 close friends and take every spot on the karaoke queue
Nobody actually wants to watch all of your backsides as you sway and butcher Queen's greatest hits.
21. You wear black and yellow every day of the year
We get it, you love sports, and you have terrible fashion sense. Let's move on.
22. You prominently list "Pittsburgh sports" as one of your interests on Tinder/OkCupid
And then proceed to name all of the major league teams. You're so smart and interesting. Please do me.
23. You love fair trade coffee so much that you could practically be a PR rep for it
I mean, it is pretty great, but we don't need to talk about it all the time.
24. You've uttered the word "hipster" while inside any establishment in Lawrenceville
Just accept that you are one. Everyone else has.
25. You go into Lotus Market in the Strip just so you can point at all the "weird Asian foods"
And then spend half an hour scrunching up your nose and whispering, "Ew, what's that?" to your brunch clan.
26. You proposed to your significant other at the Mount Washington Overlook
How original of you! Did you also purchase the ring at Kay Jewelers, or did you go to Jared?
27. You put a "parking chair" in a spot that someone ELSE dug out of the snow
28. You actively use the phrase "parking chair"
29. You go to brunch in the Strip and bitch at your waitress about the slow service
Guess what, dude? You're at brunch on a Sunday, you've got NOWHERE to be. Relax.
30. You publicly flaunt your preference for Hunt's Ketchup
31. You drown your scrambled eggs with ANY kind of ketchup
I hope you choke on your terrible choices.
32. You slow down in tunnels
33. … or switch lanes in tunnels
34. ... or fail to use your turn signal on three-lane bridges
35. ... or disregard the "Pittsburgh Left"
Everyone hates you, including your family.
36. Basically, just driving a car in Pittsburgh makes you a douchebag
… which is a lot of us.
37. You write judgy articles about mostly inconsequential things people do that annoy you
Oh, wait... oops.
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Julianna is a writer and editor by day and a judgmental douchebag by night, but she would never dream of using a parking chair... mostly because she doesn't have a car. Follow her self-righteous journey: @JuliannaLocal.