Everyone is a hipster
A quick stroll through the Pearl District or the areas adjacent to any stop on the MAX Blue Line east of the 60th Ave station will make it abundantly clear that #basic people of all socioeconomic backgrounds find ways to survive the insufferable banality of inner Portland. Whether it’s a Lululemon between an Anthropologie and a Starbucks with a wine bar in it or an apartment complex behind a Walmart that’s been featured on several episodes of Cops (the best episodes, too), all manners of un-hip behavior are able to flourish in Portland.
Beaverton is a reasonable place to live before you find something closer in
You’re plotting your move to Portland and quickly become desperate for a temporary housing situation that will accept you, the girl you just met at Bonnaroo, and your three dogs. You’re sold on a generic housing tract in Beaverton because the ad promises “a quick walk to shops, restaurants, and the MAX station." You wake up five years later with a yippy little toy dog, a job managing the T-Mobile kiosk in the mall, and a wife who still goes out on the weekends in Chinatown with her ex-OSU sorority girlfriends. Crying in your car while stuck in traffic on US-26 is the only alone time you get to spend wondering what happened to your dreams.
The deluge of transplants makes dating an enjoyable and varied experience
A dating pool that turns over every six months sounds like a single person’s dream, but it doesn’t take long to figure out the endless churn of service-industry lifers, basic chicks hiding behind Pendleton, and cynical transplant manchildren who write about Portland transplants is really an exhausting nightmare filled with false starts, unreturned texts, and custody battles over adopted cats. You’re better off hoping that fake girlfriend from Canada you met in a chatroom becomes real if you believe in her hard enough.
It’s the whitest place ever
Actually, this is 100% true because NPR said so. Logic doesn’t get much whiter than that! But hey, at least everyone here has a [insert ethnicity here] friend.
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Pete Cottell moved to Portland in 2013 thinking he could pay the rent by selling hand-knit beer koozies on the side of the road. Enjoy his artisanal, small-batch cynicism at @vanifestdestiny.