“Kidless adults” paid a visit to hipster santa
We won’t be so bold as to claim that Portland is the nexus of all North American “lumbersexual” trends and activity, but if we were it’d be hard to refute such a claim after spending some time at downtown’s Pioneer Place mall with “hipster Santa." Portland is populated with adult adolescents who are both childless and suckers for nostalgia, so of course everyone’s favorite childhood holiday icon has manifested as a bearded dude sporting the requisite combo of Pendleton sweater, Warby Parker glasses, skinny jeans, and a man-bun that would put Jared Leto to shame. Oh, and he’s a real, actual, bearded old man... who probably didn’t sign up for this shit.
The Portland Timbers hauled a giant log all the way to Columbus
Speaking of lumbersexuals, it may be safe to start writing the eulogy for that aesthetic now that it’s been hijacked by Portland’s participants in North America’s fifth most popular professional sports organization. To celebrate the Timbers’ victory over the Columbus Crew in the MLS Cup finals, a ceremonial log was freighted all the way to Columbus so the bearded, hilljack mascot known as Timber Joey could saw off slabs of the log and gift them to the equally grizzled-looking members of the squad. Here’s to hoping a slab of the log is petrified, placed on display in Pioneer Square, and treated like a local facsimile of Ireland’s Blarney Stone for locals to pee on after a wild night out in Old Town.
Analog Café started free marijuana Mondays
Local bar/venue Analog Café celebrates the statewide legalization of recreational cannabis by giving away free weed every Monday for a couple months. The local liquor control commission sends representatives to remind them they can’t have people smoking it on premise. Analog moves on to a prize giveaway that involves a replica of the painting of Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2. God bless America.
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Pete Cottell moved to Portland in 2013 with the hopes of hosting weird art projects in the many abandoned parking lots and houses of inner Southeast Portland. Follow his reluctance and disappointment at @Vanifestdestiny.