Portlanders are an expressive group of people. We speak our minds through music. We loudly proclaim our devotion for causes big and small (sometimes while dangling from bridges). When somebody wrongs us, we’re quick to speak our minds… usually by way of leaving passive-aggressive notes on windshields, but still!
But sometimes, we aren’t really saying what we mean. Luckily, we’ve come up with a handy translation guide to get everybody on the same page.
“It rains all day, every day, for eight months straight.”
Translation: Please don’t move here.
“The rain isn’t that bad. It’s just a light drizzle every now and then. Then the best summer ever!”
Translation: I just moved here and my soul is yet to be crushed by the crippling gloom of a rainy Portland winter. We should exchange numbers and get brunch some time!
[To barista]: “Do you guys have a community board where I can hang up a flyer for a community gathering?”
Translation: The neighborhood is having a meeting to air our grievances with the person who parks their diesel Ford F-350 on our block every night. We don’t want to address him and his egregious offenses to the environment in a direct way, so we’re hoping he sees this flier and and moves his car to the next block over.
“Well, their vehicle had Washington plates on it, so it makes sense.”
Translation: The person who cut you off on I-5 must’ve been in a hurry back home to Vancouver after spending the afternoon screaming at their children at Walmart/Lloyd Center Mall while purchasing tax-free consumer goods.
“Did I see you at Soul Night last week?”
Translation: I recently saw you at Goodfoot making questionable decisions with a person you obviously met on Tinder two hours prior. You can do better. Can I have your number?