12 New Year's Resolutions Actually Worth Making in San Antonio
The new year is a time for careful self reflection. Rather than creating unrealistic and irresponsible resolutions that, without steadfast conviction, will be nearly impossible to adhere to (we know how often your January 2015 gym membership was used), here are 12 that are necessary for San Antonians to make for 2016.
1. We resolve to eat the 42in pizza at Big Lou's in one sitting
"What about our cholesterol," you might ask. Forget about it. This is a bubbling 42in pizza, and it deserves your immediate and undivided attention.
2. We resolve to visit Brackenridge Park as often as possible
Go for a surprisingly painful jog around the city's most beautiful park... or swing by HEB, buy an 18-pack, five packages of spicy chorizo, 20 corn tortillas, and park yourself in a zero gravity camping chair for a few hours. Either one works.
3. We resolve to get along with tourists
We have to stop yelling at helpless downtown tourists from our vehicles. They deserve so much better. Before I moved to SA, someone called me a Jonas Brother on McCullough Ave from his 1999 Chevy Malibu. I still can't shake it. Wearing tight jeans and a Member's Only jacket is no crime.
4. We resolve to participate in a Riverwalk cruise
Get over yourself! It's simple: sit back and let the captain (do we call them captains?) do the work. Dip your fingers in the pristine waters of the Riverwalk and pretend you're in Venice; it's pretty much the same.
5. We resolve to go to Austin less
We don't need you, Austin. We don't need you at all. We have plenty here.
6. We resolve to learn how to pronounce and spell the new San Antonio Spur's name
The dude might be the Spursiest Spur ever, so it’s time to get this right. Boban Marjanović. BO-bahn Mahree-YAHN-o-vitch.
7. We resolve to actually use our season pass at Six Flags Fiesta Texas
Maybe your Auntie gave it to you as a well intentioned, yet uninformed birthday gift? Here's a novel idea: use it. It's next to La Cantera, right?
8. We resolve to control our road rage on 410 and abide by posted traffic signs
Ultimate test of self control: refrain from the use of expletives and horn honking the next time someone recklessly cuts you off in their decrepit vehicle on 410.
9. We resolve to change Robert E. Lee High School's name to Popovich High
Pop may not like it, but I would go back to the living hell that was high school just to say I went to Popovich.
10. We resolve to buy a hard water softener
Stop drinking rocks, San Antonio.
11. We resolve to wear winter clothing only when the temperature requires it
A beanie and scarf are only necessary in sub 55 degree weather, and that never happens San Antonio.
12. We resolve to eat less breakfast tacos
Just kidding. Maybe if we stopped eating breakfast tacos we could live longer, but would it be worth it? Our doctors will just have to continue losing sleep over the cholesterol levels in this city.
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Stephen Ross writes for Thrillist San Antonio and can be found in a reclined zero gravity camping chair near you. Follow him on Twitter @estebanjross and Instagram @stephenjross.