“I've never been to Comic-Con but I so want to go.”
Translation: I don't know what I'm talking about and will be overwhelmed and bored within an hour, because I don't cry tears of joy and start trembling when I see cast members of Firefly in person.
“I'm from a whale's vagina.”
Translation: I haven’t seen any new movies in 11 years. Also, I still yell “I’m Rick James, bitch” at bars.
“I hate PB, it's full of bros.”
Translation: I secretly long to know things about football. Don’t tell anyone.
“I hate North Park. It's full of hipsters.”
Translation: I used to wear a puka shell necklace in middle school. Don’t tell anyone.
“I won't even go to SeaWorld anymore after seeing Blackfish.”
Translation: I haven't even thought about going to SeaWorld since I was 10. But still, I’m taking a STAND, dammit.
“I actually really like it when it rains.”
Translation: I think this is a bold, novel opinion even though almost everyone shares it.
“Sometimes I wish we had real seasons.”
Translation: I moved here from the Midwest and will be back there within two years.
“This brunch place is legit.”
Translation: This brunch place uses that one hypermodern font on its hand-pressed paper menus. Everything is wood. The table is wood. The plates are wood. The food is... maybe wood? The waiter doesn't have tattoos so much as he is a tattoo.
“I'm not afraid of sharks.”
Translation: I pretend not to be afraid of sharks.
“I never go up to LA.”
Translation: I'm desperately afraid of making unprotected left turns.
“Let's go party in TJ.”
Translation: I'm not actually your friend.
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San Diego writer and comedian Matt Louv always means exactly what he says. Follow him: @MattLouv.