Lifestyle

The Most 'SF' Things That Happened in 2015

San Francisco is so ridiculous these days, it’s basically a caricature of itself. Fights in dive bars about Google Glass, waiting in a two-hour line in the rain for day-old NYC bagels, and tech bros kicking Mission kids off of soccer fields. And that’s just stuff that went down in 2014. A bunch more stuff that’s totally San Francisco also went down in 2015 (shocking!). From hipsters running for mayor to a restaurant run by robots, SF continues to be, well, so SF. Read on and let us know which ones we missed in the comments.

Courtesy of Michael J. Kirscher

A hipster who calls himself Broke-Ass Stuart ran for mayor

And managed to get nearly 10% of the vote (over 18,000 votes) thanks to a platform that promised to bring the city’s real issues to light. You know, affordable housing, homelessness, and of course: human poop on the sidewalks. Though he didn’t win, his campaign with Francisco Herrera and Amy Ferrah Weiss to “Vote 1-2-3 to replace Ed Lee” was more successful than most imagined; Ed Lee basically ran “unopposed” and still ended up only getting 56% of the vote. ‘Cause that dude is the worst.

A self-driving car was pulled over…

For driving too slowly. This went down in Mountain View (of course) when a police officer pulled a Google car over for driving 25 mph only to find there was no driver to ticket. Ultimately the officer decided that no law was broken, so the car escaped without a ticket. Apparently Google’s self-driving cars are waaaaay better at flirting than we are.

Gangs of raccoons attacked innocent pedestrians

The Richmond District is known for its Irish roots, but the city’s raccoon population was not very welcoming to a couple visiting their daughter from the Emerald Isle in October. Over a dozen raccoons attacked the duo and their daughter’s dogs and almost succeeded in dragging one of the poor pups away. This wasn’t the first time SF’s vicious trash pandas went on the offensive. And it likely won’t be the last. Considering they can be 3ft tall and over 40lbs, that's legit terrifying.

Outer Sunset house in “deteriorative state” sold for $1.2 million

Which, to make things even more depressing, was $411,000 OVER the original asking price. That’s right, a ramshackle four bedroom on the fog-dense Great Highway sold for over a million bucks, pretty much proving that there is no hope left for anyone in this town except the one percent. RIP San Francisco.

The city hired “potty sitters”

People bitch about the costs of babysitters for their kids in SF, but if people are getting paid 16 bucks an hour to watch the public toilets, why wouldn’t they want more to watch actual living, breathing entities? Yeah, the city is paying a “latrine team” to keep watch over the toilets and make sure they’re being used for number one and number two, not getting high and having sex with prostitutes. Right now it’s costing about a million bucks. So, you know, still less than a house that’s basically a tear down.

If you pee on SF walls, now some of them pee back

Even though the city has all of those potty sitters, people still feel the need to urinate in public. Beware dudes who like to whip it out and piss on walls; nine city walls have been painted with pee-repellant paint -- paint that will spray your spray back onto your pants and shoes. Urine trouble now! Sorry. That was a piss-poor joke. OK, OK, seriously: sorry. We’re just a whiz at puns. Annnnd, we’re done.


 

Whole Foods trolled us with asparagus water

What’s asparagus water, you ask? It’s three stalks of raw asparagus shoved into a bottle of water and priced at $5.99. A dollar more than, you know, an entire bundle of asparagus not shoved into a bottle of water. OK, so this one happened in Brentwood, but it was still so SF, so it had to make the list.

A bougie private transit system launched (and folded)

Leap Transit was a private bus equipped with Wi-Fi, gourmet snacks and coffee, leather seats, and power outlets for people who’d rather pay six bucks than ride on Muni. We were amongst the first to scoff at the concept, but there were many others right there with us. Ultimately, just a few months after the non-ADA compliant buses hit the road (Leap actually removed the wheelchair ramps and fold-up seats to install bar-style seating and leather armchairs), Leap went bankrupt and put its buses up for auction. Good riddance.

Someone listed a crawl space for rent for $500 a month

What’s sadder? People were interested. SFist actually tracked all of the Bay’s “apartment sadness” in recent months, including a tent on a deck ($760/mo), a windowless garage ($1,300/mo), and a tool shed without a toilet or running water ($800/mo). Good luck getting laid in any of those!
 

 

People paid good money to fly a banner telling Jed York exactly where he can go

Fine, it was a little more polite than that, saying, “Jed & the 49ers should mutually part ways,” but still: the fact that a group was able to raise over a grand in less than a month from angry fans who are fed up with the direction in which York has taken the Niners speaks volumes about the people in this town. And their disposable income.

A quinoa restaurant where the servers are robots opened

At Eatsa, you order one of eight quinoa bowls on an in-store iPad (or on your phone) and then pick it up in a cubby. It’s like something straight out of The Jetsons except even Astro the dog wouldn’t be caught dead eating a bowl of quinoa. Still, it’s been getting rave reviews from locals, which, duh, of course it is: this is San Francisco. There’s nothing we love more than quinoa... EXCEPT robots.

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Daisy Barringer lives in SF, but doesn’t get stoked for quinoa or asparagus water. She does, however, think Jed York and the 49ers should mutually part ways. Follow her on Twitter @daisy.