Lifestyle

32 Signs You’re a Toronto Douchebag

At its core, Toronto is unusually vibrant. It contains the full spectrum of humanity, and unfortunately that spectrum contains douchebags. Grade-A, top-tier, primo douchebags. Here are 32 signs to look for in case you think you’re one of them. 
 

1. You call it “TDot”

2. You never go east of Leslieville

The Beaches and mom-and-pop shops are not overrated, sorry.
 

3. You never go west of High Park

Bloor West Village, Islington, and Etobicoke? More like Etobi-no, right?!
 

4. You pronounce Queens Quay as “Queens Kway”

 

5. Your favourite Drake song is “Hotline Bling”

 

6. You always drunk tweet @TTCnotices

 

7. You still use the phrase “on a Tuesday”

2014 called, and aside from that being a miracle or whatever, it wants its phrase back.

8. You rep Scarborough even though you’ve never been to Scarborough

 

9. Your favourite Instagram hashtags are #6side and #trussme

Also, see #topszn #wayup #shutdown #commas #haaaaan.

10. You never call the Rogers Centre the “Skydome”

 

11. You put ketchup on Jamaican patties

And if you had it your way, you’d use a knife and fork.
 

12. You own a startup just for the sake of owning a startup

Here’s the thing about designer socks: nobody cares about socks.
 

13. You’ve stood in line for two hours to have brunch

Just to enjoy a mimosa that’s far from perfect.
 

14. You take your bike on the subway

 

15. You always talk about your hot yoga classes

 

16. You’re an Argonauts fan

Even though you don’t know what the Grey Cup is.

17. You’re the “biggest” Leafs fan... but only know who Phil Kessel is

 

18. You still cheer for Phil Kessel

 

19. You only go to concerts if you’re on the guest list

No VIP section and no free-drink tickets is a game-changer for you.
 

20. You go to music festivals for catering tents

 

21. You take an Uber to get groceries

 

22. You get bottle service at Tattoo Queen West

And at every other establishment on Queen West.
 

23. You think Parkdale and Liberty Village are the same thing

24. You’ve been to Yorkdale Mall just to Tinder

 

25. You’ve had pizza delivered to a dive bar

(Actually, that is kind of cool.) 
 

26. You’re an “up-and-coming” DJ

You also use air quotes when you tell someone.
 

27. You vape at local dive bars

 

28. ... and you DJ events with Spotify playlists

 

29. You think Tryst is the city’s hottest nightclub

Nobody should like Tryst that much.
 

30. You think coat check is expensive

$20 cover? No problem. $2 coat check? I’d rather freeze to death.
 

31. You’re “above” drinking at The Imperial

You just secretly hate books and libraries.

32. You’re also “above” drinking at Trinity Bellwoods Park

You just secretly hate oxygen and having fun.

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Joshua Khan is a Toronto writer who is guilty of at least four things on this list. He won't say which, but follow him and his endeavours at @blaremag.