CrossFit MPH

Your life is filled with softness, and that's okay -- who doesn't like a little dash of nutmeg in their latte, or a third mimosa? Balance things out with hardcore workouts at CrossFit MPH, opened this week.

MPH is a mirrorless, largely machine-free garage gym started by two former "big box healthclub" trainers who, after growing weary of the "bicep curl, preen, repeat" routine, led a small exodus of friends and disciples to the promised land of beastly health- & performance-based fitness -- like Moses on Muscle Milk. Everything's handled in small-group classes (10-20 students, 2 coaches, up to 7 sessions a day), giving you personal coaching and measurement as you attack old-school equipment like kettle bells (whose uneven weight distribution make them the Jonah Hill of exercise equipment), squat racks, jump-ropes, and a ten-person pull-up bar named "Big Red" -- drop off prematurely, and the trainers will scream "make it last a little longer!". The classes are mainly MPH spins on CrossFit programs (making them the only all-CrossFit gym in DC), with all workouts scalable by changing weight, time-constraints, etc; specific programs include the dreaded "Fran" (relentlessly cycled sets of pull-ups & squat-thrusts), and the tear-inducing "Filthy 50", with 500 total reps of exercises like box-jumps, walking lunges, and "knees to elbows", a fitting precursor to the fetal position you'll crumble into afterward.

To ease yourself in, start with the 6-lesson "Element Workshop": low-intensity run-throughs of the major CrossFit movements -- considerably more strenuous than your current movement, signaling the waiter for a fourth mimosa. You're bad!!