With most spirits, the question is, "Does this drink measure up to my standards?" -- but with a select few, one must ask, "Do I measure up to the standards of this drink? And if not, is someone going to come and snatch my drink away?" Start getting nervous, because here comes Tezón.
Made from 100% blue agave, Tezón is the world's ultra-premiumest tequila. A newcomer to America, its production methods date back 500 years, to the days of the Conquistadors. (Say it again, but this time, roll your "r": Conquistadors.) To better understand why Tezón demands more from a man, consider its production process:
1: First the agave is hand-picked from the red volcanic soil of Jalisco, birthplace of tequila, ensuring only the finest ingredients are used. Agave that has not sufficiently ripened is told, "Keep ripening, Agave, we believe in you."
2: Then the ripened agave is cooked in traditional brick ovens for three days, giving it unparalleled robustness. Most tequilas only cook for one day. Their robustness is... paralleled.
3: Juice is separated from pulp under the tahona, a grinding wheel made from volcanic tezontle. Stone grinding wheels: authentic since 8000 B.C.
4: Next the juice is twice distilled in small copper pots, for the clean, smooth taste that allows you to enjoy Tezón straight, unpolluted by mixers, or fear of stroke-like facial cringing.
5: Finally the tequila is bottled in hand-blown glass -- reminiscent of an elegant bottle of perfume -- then numbered for small-batch certification. Put a bottle to your lips: if you don't see a number, your insides will soon smell like lilacs.
Obviously, the weak link in this equation is you. Or is it? To see if you measure up, visit beyondtequila.com for a test of what your acquired instinct says about you, boldly rendered as a back tattoo and full body gear. Pass, and proceed to sipping pleasure. Fail, and ask yourself two final questions: "What swift ninja took this glass of Tezón from my hands, and why did he replace it with a Sea Breeze?"