Get fit, functionally

Normal gyms can give you the kind of muscles that'd impress Snooki, but what good's the pump if you aren't agile enough to evade her? For a gym that'll make sure you can, get to CrossFit 305.

Running a certified CrossFit training regimen focusing on utilitarian fitness via grueling small-group coaching sessions combining cardio, strength, speed, coordination, agility, and balance, 305's a warehouse-style training facility that eschews typical gym machines (and mirrors) for all manner of stuff that'll bring you fitness via pain, but unfortunately not T-Pain, the inventor of Auto-Tone. Used to break you: speed/power gear like a big truck tire for sledge hammerin', jumping boxes, tons o' kettlebells, climbing ropes tied to the 20-ft ceiling, pull up bars (w/ huge rubber bands to hook to your feet for assistance), a strip of artificial turf for sprints while dragging a sled of up to 180lbs, and a collection of sandbags and medicine balls that you will violently toss right to the point of violently tossing. Classes might have you in a sandbag race where you sprint, pick it up 10x, press it overhead 10x, and sprint some more; on a speed course where you do lifting like clean & jerk and snatches (with coaching on form), and bang out handstand pushups as fast a possible; or engaging in fast and explosive kettlebell workouts, or one that's a slow and strenuous sit up/squat called a Turkish get up, which you just know involves a cool hat.

305'll be having their Grand Opening Party/workouts tomorrow from 9am to 4pm, where they'll be tapping a keg and giving out fresh fruit, grilled burgers, steaks, and chicken, and to see if you're up for it, from here on out, every Sat at 9am there's an open house, meaning even Snooki can come -- truly a terrifying The Situation.