It's a painful reality to realize that no matter how hard you work out, you'll never be as in-shape as a pro athlete, leading one to...wait, does Butterbean actually get paid money? Oh, he does. Alright, feeling fitter already! Get in shape the way real, non-442lb athletes do, at Fast Twitch.
Set in a ruggedly bare-bones indoor/outdoor facility, FT's a crazy-intense fitness mini-mecca, run by a bunch of dudes now giving you the exact same training enjoyed by their other clients: pro athletes (NFL, NBA, MLB, AVP, etc.) and college ones prepping to maximize their draft potential at events like the NFL Combine, also the best seller in a range of sports league-branded farm equipment popular in the Midwest. They can tailor a program to whatever you need, whether it's dominating your hoops league or doing a triathlon, or just get you in generally ridiculous shape with the help of serious equipment: a 50yrd turf field, hurdles, 4ft boxes you jump up onto, up-to-140lb medicine balls, football sleds, and to provide resistance for speed training, harnesses connected to giant bands, because there's no better way to get in shape than pulling around the Fat Boys. They'll also leverage up to four trainers at a time instead of just one general guy (each with a different specialty), who'll run you through classes like Sports Explosiveness, Injury Prevention, and Sports Conditioning; if you so desire, they'll also work together with hired-gun specialists including nutritionists, massage therapists, chiropractors, and sports psychologists, who can guide you through telling your parents you have bi-bowler disorder.
While they're understandably coy about revealing who their pro clients are, they name former Heat star Jamal Mashburn as a current trainee, who says they "bring out the best in any athlete", except for Butterbean, whose work tends to focus instead on bringing out his breasts.