From the one with cats, to the one with snakes, you've made so many bad choices with women you might as well outsource your decisions to total strangers. Exactly: YumBunny.com.
Out of Ft. Lauderdale, YB's a just-launched matchmaking site that pairs your profile with the profiles of available singles, then lets other users vote thumbs-up or -down on whether the two of you are good enough/bad enough for each other. Just upload your pic, state your preference (female/male/either), and provide a few details such as musical tastes, and "likes & dislikes" -- for example, efeisty2 likes computers and bubble baths, while TomDuh likes...gravy and tombs. Your cue of potential matches is randomly generated, but you can partially curate by sifting through the chick-roster and clicking "yes","no", or "maybe"; the more you vote, the more your pic'll be paired up and circulated, and the more opportunities you'll have to deny handsomer men the hot girls that should rightly be with them.
Winning matches are alerted via a weekly email; after that, you can contact yours for a small fee. If those emails prove scarce, you can forward your situation to friends, who'll presumably send you enough "yes" votes to rectify the situation -- at least assuming you pick your friends better than you pick your women.