There's no question sommeliers possess valuable knowledge, but not valuable enough to overcome your disdain for their wasteful swish-spitting and predilection for pompous man-scarves. Pro motorcyclist at 16, master sommelier at 19, District's Caterina Mirabelli's a wine expert you'll actually respect, and has put together a list of ultra small-batch wine picks:
"Leather, spice, dark plum, and black cherries"
This entry from Mendo blends the Italian varietals Barbera, Dolcetto, Sangiovese, and Primitivo, which forced the other grapes to drop their names from the label by menacing them with a large rock.
Roederer Estate L'Ermitage
"Crisp with notes of burnt toast, almonds, and apples"
This '00 sparkler is produced by Cristal in the coastal, foggy Anderson Valley, where the grapes are carried to and from sunlight by jerry-rigged wires -- like a puppet that stains your teeth and makes you send out horny text messages.