There's no question sommeliers possess valuable knowledge, but not valuable enough to overcome your disdain for their wasteful swish-spitting and predilection for pompous man-scarves. Pro motorcyclist at 16, master sommelier at 19, District's Caterina Mirabelli's a wine expert you'll actually respect, and has put together a list of ultra small-batch wine picks: Brutocao Primitivo "Leather, spice, dark plum, and black cherries" This entry from Mendo blends the Italian varietals Barbera, Dolcetto, Sangiovese, and Primitivo, which forced the other grapes to drop their names from the label by menacing them with a large rock. Roederer Estate L'Ermitage
"Crisp with notes of burnt toast, almonds, and apples" This '00 sparkler is produced by Cristal in the coastal, foggy Anderson Valley, where the grapes are carried to and from sunlight by jerry-rigged wires -- like a puppet that stains your teeth and makes you send out horny text messages.
Nelson Family '05 Riesling "Peaches, nectarines, and hints of spice and flowers"
Another Mendocino operation, run by one of the few vintners who picks his own grapes, though that's less impressive when you consider his vineyard's only 500 sq ft, a studio apartment of vinoculture. Steele '04 Zinfandel "Berries, sour cherries, butter, and chocolate" Hails from a second postage-stamp parcel opposite Nelson's, with whom he shares bottling equipment, and a raging case of Vin-is Envy. District's the only spot for all these wines, so go get adventurous, but not so adventurous Caterina has to drive you home on her Moto Guzzi -- or risk being strangled when your billowing muffler gets caught in her spokes.