How Somerville got her groove back

Because that duplicitous Tower Records sold few and wasn't actually in some awesomely spired centerpiece of a castle, hit up Somerville Grooves, a just-opened, bright pink, "no 'tude allowed" used vinyl shop stocked with post-punk categories populated by wonderfully obscure, oft-hilarious titles like:

Tex Ritter - Blood on the Saddle (Country): Surprisingly not a record about menstruating cowgirls, this twangy LP from the famed (?) singer/actor hits all the right notes w/ classics like "Rye Whiskey", "Boll Weevil", and "The Face on the Barroom Floor".

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Total Body Workout (Instructional): Rejoice that there is a God as Ahnold dead-seriously leads you through "a personal musical workout with and without weights" set to tunes from artists like Eddie Money, Tommy Tutone, and the Blue Oyster Cult.

L. Ron Hubbard - Battlefield Earth (Soundtrack): The Scientology founder gets all Mozart, composing a "dynamic music soundtrack" to his 1982 sci-fi novel entitled "Space Jazz", because apparently in space, people can hear you scat! Beedop do, skootin' she bop!

The Chipmunks - Chipmunk Punk (A Random Windowsill): The rodents cover actually not-really-punk classics like "My Sharona" and Tom Petty's "Refugee" on this playfully misnomed 1980 disc that hit #34 on the charts and went gold. That's not even a joke -- what the hell was wrong with people in 1980?!

Stuff - Stuff It (R & B): This '79 funk/soul special boasts tracks like "Mighty Love" and "Since You've Been Gone", and a jacket that depicts a high-flying chick throwing down a vicious dunk, predicting that 30yrs later, professional women bball players would actually be able to perform dunks! That look like layups!

Because man cannot impress chicks with Schwarzenegger LPs alone, SG also thoughtfully peddles a cornucopia of "other cultural artifacts" like non-music-related books, cleverly scribbled t-shirts, and a variety of random 8-tracks staged in a used glass bakery case, though it's kept, just like Tower, very much closed.