If there's one thing you love it's watching jacked, oiled-up men in Speedos... hit each other with steel chairs and 2x4s (!), which's why you need to be at the Road To Ruin Fest, a three-day smorgasbord of punk rock and "professional" wrestling kicking off this Friday. And since your 8th grade Trapper Keeper's abundant NOFX sketches assuredly mean you're up to date on the punk scene, brush up on your local people's-elbow-ers with this simple guide to who to cheer for, based entirely on your childhood WWF heroes. So..
If you liked Mankind, root for Chuck Taylor: This dude once feuded with an orphanage-opening opponent due to his professed "hatred of orphans" and sports a list of moves that includes the Sole-Food foot to the face and the Awful Waffle, a hold that's honestly pretty hard to escape, no matter how hard you scream "l... Eggo"
If you liked Hacksaw Jim Duggan, root for Grizzly Redwood: While Hacksaw had his 2x4, Grizzly saunters out with a whole damn log, before whoopin' opponents with moves like the Axe Handle and The Wood Chipper, also what Dan Uggla says when Jones asks him "Dude, did you say you wanted the metal bat?"
If you liked Undertaker & Kane, root for Obariyon & Kodama: This high-flying, tag-teaming, tattoo-sleeving duo's got the undead/occult thing down pat (they enter every match in reapers cloaks and skeleton-y lime green face paint), plus they grew up in a place called Bled Island and trained with a dude named Sinn, which may've been a bad move. Seriously, have you seen Houseguest
If you liked The Rock: Just go hit yourself with a steel chair and a 2x4.