Baconnaise

If you're a true son of Chicago, then no matter where you go the city's spirit stays with you -- the indomitable friendliness, the indomitable accent, and the urge to make yourself and those around you grossly fat. Accomplishing the latter in new and exciting ways, J&D Foods' "Baconnaise".

Co-founded in Seattle by a 'Cago guy who financed his first piggy foray -- Bacon Salt -- with $5000 from his toddler's prize-winning, tee-ball smashing America's Funniest Home Videos entry, J&D's just jarred a stupefying combination of every sandwich's two essentials, bacon and mayo. Six months of rigorous testing produced a Thousand Island-colored spread that contains no actual meat and's certified kosher, a miracle, considering test subjects "wanted less mayo taste and more bacon taste -- it should be Baconnaise, not Mayocon". While spooning directly into your mouth is perfectly acceptable, fatty, the site also offers up recipes like creamy bacon mashed potatoes, bacon Caesar dressing, and a "No-B-L-T" that suggests skipping the crispy stuff altogether -- but hopefully your penis will suggest otherwise.

To drum up excitement, J&D just posted a vid of two guys wrestling in 6,000lbs of regular mayo -- proving you can take the man out of Chicago, but you can't take the Chicagoan out of the condiment.