While a hectic work schedule is a typical excuse for not hitting the gym, you have plenty of time at the office to accomplish other non-work-related goals, like reading every single article on ESPN.com, and pooping. Turn your cube into a bod-shredding temple, with CrossFit's Office Workout. Responsible for the freakish man-maries of the 300 cast, CF creates quick-hitting workout routines that combine insanely high intensity and minimal rest to boost muscle/cardio fitness in under 30 minutes, a sworn-by program for everyone from pro athletes to special ops units. Since you're none of these people, we asked CF for a specialized regimen that any desk-ridden drone could do using only the equipment in their office. Now go get ripped: Warm-up: Three rounds each of 10 push-ups, 10 body weight "air" squats, 10 sit-ups, and 10 walking lunges. Should take between 5 and 7 minutes, or actually, zero minutes, cause warm-ups are for chicks. Main Workout: The following should all be done at maximum speed, alternating exercises and with little or no rest, in sets of 21 reps, then 15 reps, and finally, 9 reps: Handstand Push-ups: Prop feet high against cubicle wall, or atop desk with knees bent, getting as close to a handstand as possible. Press body up until arms are locked, then lower down as far as you can go. Repeat until secretary sees you. Lock door. Resume. Desk Chair Thrusters: Stand behind chair and, leaning over the back, grab armrests (or sides of the seat) and bring chair over head in a "racked" position (chest level). Drop to ground in a squat position, then explode upward with legs while simultaneously pressing chair above head. CF claims a chair is even better than a barbell because it trains you for "unknown, real-life scenarios", like fending off chair attacks. Paper Deadlifts: Stack two full boxes of copy paper atop one another and grip handles. Bending at knees, keeping lumbar curved and with shoulders back, lift boxes until standing, then lower, and repeat. According to CF founder Greg Glassman, "There's no aspect of your being this [motion] won't enhance", including, apparently, your ability to make broad, sweeping statements. As many committed CF disciples also adhere to a strictly gluten-free diet to achieve optimum performance, they recommend your post-workout refreshment be gluten-less Redbridge Beer, or straight-up bourbon, because the daily 9-to-5 grind shouldn't prevent you from achieving your preeminent personal goal of being totally wasted.