Other than your prerogative to boot couch-surfing Redcoats (thanks, Quartering Act), voting's the most important right you spend zero time thinking about. Keep it that way, with Glassbooth.
GB's a free service that, in a matter of minutes, will recommend the presidential candidate you should vote for based on your worldview, abetting your longstanding avoidance of "caucus coverage" and "information". To suss out your leanings, distribute 20 points amongst the issues you consider important, like social security, Iraq & foreign policy, and…...drugs. Next, a short quiz tailored to your point allotment'll have you rate your support/opposition for specific legislation, policies, etc, on a 1-to-5 scale; when done, GB'll tell you the candidate most aligned with your stances -- crushing your dreams of voting for "Dave", as you are staunchly anti-impostor.
Along the way, links to Wikipedia entries/other sources explicate terms you don't understand ("Kyoto Protocol", "global warming"), and a Rock The Vote widget lets you register on the spot -- so you won't have to risk British infantrymen home-invading you while you sign up on a clipboard outside the Virgin Megastore.